VIC Vexatious and litigious ex

[Dpj]

So no doubt she'll be pissed off. You can expect she'll probably apply for a FVO on you.

She did. That was in march. I wrote a letter to cops to get an undertaking/withdrawal. In that letter i gave evidence of a few incidents. This was only to get out of the FVIIO (precurser to FVO). Based on that letter, and their dealings with both of us, they said they'd withdraw their application for the FVO on me and charge her ciminally with DV. I said i didnt need that and they said they have enough evidence and would do it with or without me. Before that landed on her she took out emergency interim court proceedings using violence and the FVIIO as her key arguments. That flipped on her bad yet i was the loser in court - hence why i was so dejected as i felt the system was a joke. When she found out, she threatened the crap out if me and started texted my family that im an abuser and woman basher. Saying she had all this evidence. But im not and i know for certain there is no evidence. So i went to court, but baby was due so police lawyer didnt want to withdraw but rather adjourn. She stupidly adjourned it to 2 weeks before birth. So cops said theyd adjoirn at this hearimg (Monday gone) for three months. They said they cant do reverse FVOs but said i should take one out. I said no. And that was it. So on Monday, the court was to adjourn my FVO but instead the magistrate, not cops, not me, took out a DVO on her and it was issued yesterday. I said to cops it wouldve been nice to know and it was super bad timing as i was in negotiations. May be thats why my child custody negotiations turned pair shaped. Its super unusual she hasnt abused the s**t out of me for it or mentioned it. May be her mum has been in her ear. So here i am, never asked for any charges, in fact i asked then not to. But instead she has pending DV criminal charges (they are waiting for the baby to come before interviewing her) and a magistrate ordered DVO. Everyone is saying its quite unusual. But after a while the truth start to get exposed and may be justice will prevail. Anyway, now she has made more alligations to cops who said theyd ask for an undertaking. Im fine with that but they need my ex's approval and they wont grt that so its likely to be withdrawn. In both her interim court affidavit and all these cop dealings, she screams abuse/drug addict/etc but not a shread of evidence has been provided.

Anyway, im playing it cool. Im not losing the emotional battle. More just nervous about costs for constant litigation. Im pretty swutched on and saod to my mate ill go study family and crimial law as it will be cheaper to pay for uni and defend myself than my lawyers. Im the type of guy that reads legislation and cases for fun.

My main aim now is locking away a good custody arrangement as fighting over kids will make me broke. But im also not wanting to accept less than 50:50 care by start of 2026 (kids will be 5.5, 7 and 9). Thats what i am grappling with now.

 

[Dpj]

Rice and Asplund

Ill read the case. I dont qualify for family tax

 

[Dpj]

I'd suggest you offer 5 a fortnight, increasing to 6 in 2 yrs

I did. I was happy with 5 til 2025. Thats what i was leading toward

 

[Dpj]

What are the restrictions placed on her?

The cop sent it to me yesterday. Just that she cant commit DV. The applicant is unlisted (0000) i think which the cop said mean the margistrate court was the applicant.

Dunno, maybe he's a magician

I know the thing isvthat due to her litigious ways, my lawyer said to use the ex judge (or whatever). May be know some sense into her. He thinks it will save this in the long term. Im working furiously on a property settlement deal. But we are still a little of. Minor thing which i hope this neutral mediator can solve. Then a little back and forth then done. Thatd be the best result.

I reckon my legal fees for the 7 days two weeks ago will be around $25k. Its heartbreaking as im wearing 3 jumpers to avoid putting on the heater. The fcucked thing is, i work, have a decent job, pay +$1.2k child support each fortnight (that was with them at 6 days a f'nite too) and she is on job keeper hiding money through 4 family trusts. Her businesses would turn over $4m. Child support aint financial analysts that for sure - they dont get it. Despite this, factoring in all her benefits, my child support and our out of pocket daycare costs, she has $500 more cashflow a fortnight than me. If that aint a messed up system encouraging a race to the bottom then i dont know what is.

 

[Dpj]

Dunno, maybe he's a magician

So no doubt she'll be pissed off. You can expect she'll probably apply for a FVO on you.

She did. That was in march. I wrote a letter to cops to get an undertaking/withdrawal. In that letter i gave evidence of a few incidents. This was only to get out of the FVIIO (precurser to FVO). Based on that letter, and their dealings with both of us, they said they'd withdraw their application for the FVO on me and charge her ciminally with DV. I said i didnt need that and they said they have enough evidence and would do it with or without me. Before that landed on her she took out emergency interim court proceedings using violence and the FVIIO as her key arguments. That flipped on her bad yet i was the loser in court - hence why i was so dejected as i felt the system was a joke. When she found out, she threatened the crap out if me and started texted my family that im an abuser and woman basher. Saying she had all this evidence. But im not and i know for certain there is no evidence. So i went to court, but baby was due so police lawyer didnt want to withdraw but rather adjourn. She stupidly adjourned it to 2 weeks before birth. So cops said theyd adjoirn at this hearimg (Monday gone) for three months. They said they cant do reverse FVOs but said i should take one out. I said no. And that was it. So on Monday, the court was to adjourn my FVO but instead the magistrate, not cops, not me, took out a DVO on her and it was issued yesterday. I said to cops it wouldve been nice to know and it was super bad timing as i was in negotiations. May be thats why my child custody negotiations turned pair shaped. Its super unusual she hasnt abused the s**t out of me for it or mentioned it. May be her mum has been in her ear. So here i am, never asked for any charges, in fact i asked then not to. But instead she has pending DV criminal charges (they are waiting for the baby to come before interviewing her) and a magistrate ordered DVO. Everyone is saying its quite unusual. But after a while the truth start to get exposed and may be justice will prevail. Anyway, now she has made more alligations to cops who said theyd ask for an undertaking. Im fine with that but they need my ex's approval and they wont grt that so its likely to be withdrawn. In both her interim court affidavit and all these cop dealings, she screams abuse/drug addict/etc but not a shread of evidence has been provided. On the flip side my evidence is strong and mostly uncited. I gave the cops 2 incidents and one witness statement. They were the most powerful ones but i have anither 20 incidents and 6 more witness statements all of who will testify in court. I could probably get more too (like the councillor for 4 days who stayed with us to observe and said i was extremely emotuinally aware stable snd friendly but she needed to see a osychiatrist, or the painter who told me i should leave her after seeing 5% of what actually copped daily).

Anyway, im playing it cool. Im not losing the emotional battle. My mind is as strong as anyone i know. Im resiliant and not just saying that. As mentioned, it was just last Mondayvthat shook me up a bit. Im not fighting, im just blocking. Im defending mysekf in the criminal matters and i think im naturally smarter than all my lawyers put together. Im more just nervous about costs for constant litigation on the child front as right now im not wantimg to defend myself there as consequences are too important. Im pretty switched on and said to my mate ill go study family and crimial law as it will be cheaper to pay for uni and defend myself than my lawyers after years of this crap. Om just so glad she doesnt qualify for legal aid otherwise i would have been in court twice as much and ive already been 4 time (three for the FVOs). Im the type of guy that reads legislation and cases for fun and then skools up my lawyer. I found 5x cases of something my lawyer said no but the result was yes. I understand the basis of common law and my lawyer said send them over (he wont charge me for research to better his own knowledge and told me so. Ive mentioned costs so msny times he has to conscious of it).

My misses is smart, you have to be to have 10 retail locations across 4 states. But she is dumb compared to me. And that i am so grateful for as I wont be intimated by anyone. You'd love the stories of me taking down 5 kpmg laywers and accountants (im neither) who claimed my employer at the time didnt owe me anything. 3 months i fought them (including 2 partners) on behalf of me snd my colleague, quoting legislation, cobtract law, accounting standards, and their own industry code of conducts. They said no youre wrong 1000 times. Buti stared them in the face and said 'no yiu are'. Three months later they said 'ok, youre right, and gave me my money'.

My main aim now is locking away a good custody arrangement as fighting over kids will make me broke. But im also not wanting to accept less than 50:50 care by start of 2026 (kids will be 5.5, 7 and 9). Thats what i am grappling with now.

 

[sammy01]

See my thinking is that it is stupid to fight for 50/50. WHY? Well you won't get it in court. Keep reading.
So let's say you get 5 in court. Great. Might even get 6 to start in a few years. It will cost you $$$$$

If you can get an agreement for 5 now, 6 next year and save the $$$. Seems like a good idea to me. By the sounds of things she isn't all that maternal. So the only reason she isn't agreeing to 50/50 is because she hates you and doesn' t wanna give you what you want.

So accept it and move on. Stress kills. I'm not a nice person. One of my missions in life is to outlive the ex... See that means (in my world) she stressed more than me...

And - you're kids are young. Years ahead. Spend less time stressing on this and focus on the kids and your own mental health so you can be there for them.
Final thought - Years ahead. I have to tell you, it took me a long time to accept 5 a fortnight. But, the kids looked foreward to visiting me. They hated leaving. Dad worked on being happy, so he could be a good dad. The ex worked (euphamistically - becasue she has never worked) on making me suffer. At around about the time I learned to accept 5 was good SHE dumped the kids on me and left town, leaving me as the primary carer.

Look even if she didn't leave town, I'm still glad I accepted 5 nights. By that point I reckon I'd spent $30k on lawyers, without even seeing the inside of a court house - except for the AVO... Only spending $30k means I got away with this cheaply.

 

[Dpj]

I want the mum in their lives. But i want her to be the best mum she can be. If accept 5/6, she'll never get proper mental help. Im thinking very hard about it. $5k each on a family report is a lot. But may be its a small price to pay if it forces her to get help and she becomes a better mum for the next 18 years because of it. I agree a day to fight is mot worth it. My aim has to use as a way of forced diagnonsis for her own good

 

[sammy01]

I'm not a shrink, don't pretend to be. But some thoughts on mental health
Depression - very sad, can't find anything good in life. Easy to diagnose and if the patient puts effort into their life (and medication) things improve
Anxiety - Overwhelming sense that bad s**t is gonna happen, so bad it can effect your breathing, the world starts spining. Easy to diagnose and if the patient puts effort into their life (and medication) things improve
PTSD - Experienced trauma and struggling to move forward.Easy to diagnose and if the patient puts effort into their life (and medication) things improve

Now I shouldn't simplify those diagnosis - And I'm sympathetic to anyone reading this who thinks I'm being blunt, but I'm going somewhere with this.

There are these other 'disorders' Borderline personality for example. Now if I was to diagnose my ex, that is what I'd call her rather than my generic term 'nutter'. Now unlike the other three I've mentioned and a whole lot of other mental health conditions, Borderliners are a different. See most people are able to accept a diagnosis. In some respects it's even comforting to have a doctor tell you that the thing you're suffering from is real.

BUT - NOT Borderliners. They are different. There is a good book called Walking on Egg Shells that explains it. I like some stuff on youtube by an American shrink - her channel is shrink4men

See the problem is borderliners are only occasionally able to be honest with themselves and that moment is that fleeting that even if they were to acknowledge it when in a psychologists office, they'll change their mind probably before the session has ended and 'realised' that the psychologist was the problem NOT THEM...

So o'l mate... You've mentioned that when the wind is perfectly NE in the evening of a full moon and the Demons (because what other team is she likely to support) beat Collingwood, she might be nice, maybe, but not for long. And you reckon this chick is gonna own up to her issues and get treatment because you've asked?

Now again, not one to diagnose, but I have worked out a simple test to determine who the nutters are... Test 1 - They never ever apologise (sarcasm doesn't count). Test 2 - The word 'NO' doesn't exist AND if you try and explain the word NO - OR worse be dumb enough to demonstrate 'NO' in action you will see a tantrum only matched by a 2yr old with ADHD coming down from smoking ice.

Story time - After explaining that she really needs to lock the car I was informed that her Tom Tom navigation device had been stolen from her car while at the shops. No apology, no 'hey sammy you're right, I needed to lock my car'. NOPE... Not even close. Worse, I told her that interest rates were hitting close to 10% (back in 2008) and times were tough... Oh and since we live in the country and don't really go all that far now we've got kids, does she really need a navigation system? Hell, I even said NO. We can't afford it. YEP said NO NO NO NO. Her response? Go to the shops and buy an even more expensive Navigation system using the bank card that was designated for groceries. $No food for a week, but she had her Navigation system. So of course I had to find money from somewhere else so we could eat. And the ex continued to either leave the keys in the car or not lock the car. Clearly, she doesn't understand the word NO... Correction- They only understand it when applied to themselves. So HER saying "NO sammy, i don't want you going to the pub for 1 hour after work on Friday, No you're not going" is an example of nutters using the term NO. Do you think I went to the pub? hell no, I was too scared of her.

So rant is nearly over. Nobody will ever get "proper mental health" (I'm quoting your post BTW) until they admit to themselves that they need it. You wan't to" force a diagnosis"? for her own good? Fcuk that. Focus on getting good time with the kids, be a good dad and let her deal with her demons. FARK ME I doubt she gives a fcuk about your mental health.
Final thought - Mate you can't 'make' her become a better mother. No court can make an order that says that a fcuk wit is not allowed to be a fcuk wit anymore.... And even if a court could make such and order, it wouldn't work because fcuk-wits are too stupid to understand. (Oh i am funny)
Focus on getting orders about the kids spending time with the dad, move on as fast and best you can and in doing so you're sheltering the kids from this BS to the best of your ability;.

 

[Dpj]

I slighty disagree. I know a lot about BPD (hence why i referrenced Gorman & Gorman. Go read it. It most closely reflects my case). I read 32 full cases in the family court where borderline or personality dysfunction was mentioned. Yep, the full transcripts. The courts can give an ultimatum. Get help and prove that you've got help. If not, there are consequences. Thats what im seeking. If the report came back she has a cluster B, and she is forced to seek help, and i take 5 days - then to me, that's a win. I want her in the kids' lives. Im not a prick, thats whats best for the kids. But if i can spend $10k to get her diagnosed then that is well worth the money. The risk here is the family assessor cant pick it up and i waste thst coin.hence why im contacting a bunch of her passed therspist for case notes. If they dont provide it, ill use sopeanas. I only learned about cluster B once i left. It was like reading a diary of my life. In 2016 when i went with her to her family therapist of years about her threatening divorce over me drip drying dishes, he said it all came to her abondonment issues. Obviously now it makes sense. But he never diagnosed it, may be out of fear to lose his client.I said to my lawyer this family assessor MUST have cluster B experience.

 

[Atticus]

I want the mum in their lives...... But i want her to be the best mum she can be.

there will be no problem with first bit, the second bit is really out of your control . Has she ever accepted she has a problem? Ever sought professional help for it? .... So you spend a motza on a Psych report that shows she has a mental problem. What weight will the court place on it? who knows, orders to attend a program? maybe, who knows

If she has never accepted there is a problem on her best days, the chances of her being thankful for being compelled into a program she is sure she doesn't need is about the same chances of winning lotto without a ticket... Will that make her a better mum?.. highly unlikely... Of course if she does accept she has a problem & is happy to accept help then all good.

I learnt a hard lesson many years ago.. People who do not accept they have a problem, whether it be drugs or whatever, WILL NOT change until they decide for themselves they have a problem & need help.