NSW Mother Attempts to Discredit Father - Family Court?

[Philly2020]

Separated for 3 years. Father previously had full-time care.

Mother and Father now share care 50/50.

Mother is bombarding father with text messages of allegations of incompetence, implying the father does not do homework with child, the father does not make a child's education a priority, the father works too much, etc.

Mother has no evidence of any of these things.

Father ignores mothers texts messages and allegations.

Mother claims the father is incapable of co-parenting because he does not address her allegations and ignores her texts.

Mother claims she will get more custody.

Father wants to block mothers mobile number but does not want this to portray father as bad in the eyes of the court.

Father is looking for alternatives to communicating with the mother.

Question:

Is it likely the mother's assertions will be given any weight in family court?

If the father continues to ignore the mother could this be portrayed as him looking ignorant of child's needs?

Are there any alternatives to communicating with other parents when text messaging and phone calls are not amicable?

 

[sammy01]

I reckon those dudes that get to wear those funny wigs and all that in court is pretty smart. That is how they got to that position... They've seen it all...

So, I reckon the mother is providing you with evidence that she is a nutter and she is incapable of seeing how her overreactions and criticisms are unwarranted. So don't worry about the court.

Alternatives? no legal advice, just some life experience... Be polite, but say nothing. So I still write things like "thanks for the update. No worries, I'll look into that." It is a response but doesn't really say anything. It is almost a game for me now...

Emotionally it helps because I have a strategy for dealing with it all. When I started things got worse, but after a while, the frequency and velocity of her text message wars diminished. They still happen, especially around full moons and school holidays when we need to negotiate around drop off times etc.

 

[Alert]

Hi Philly, I have experienced the same and the advice given by Sammy01 is brilliant. Keep all messages for proof, you never know.

The mother needs to realise the only person who will be affected through her childish behaviour is your child.

I believe, to be honest with your child, to some degree, it depends, you know your child so you will know what and what not your child needs to know that can help your child with any unexpected questions.

I never wanted for my children, now much older, to feel they can’t talk about anything with me, your child needs to be able to talk with someone, just as a parent does.

I personally would never ask questions about the other parent, I know they were hearing enough about their mother that was of no concern for their ears.

When they did mention their dad, as much as I was disappointed towards his actions, I would never say a bad word about him, never.

Your child will see how both sides talk about each other and definitely remember.

However you feel about your child’s mother, just remember, your child loves you both and that any child despises hearing one parent putting down the other.

When your child knows that he/she can talk about anything to you without having to think about your reaction, you may just be surprised and hopefully not concerned with what you may hear.

Sammy01 is correct regarding the response to the messages. If you get wound up your child will know.

I truly wish for your child, the mother does not act this way when in your child’s presence.

When your child gets older this will be easier, let’s just wish the mother stops and put your child’s feelings first.

Good luck.

 

[Alert]

Separated for 3 years.

Father previously had full-time care.

Mother and Father now share care 50/50

Mother is bombarding father with text messages of allegations of incompetence, implying the father does not do homework with child, the father does not make the child's education a priority, the father works too much, etc.

Mother has no evidence of any of these things.

Father ignores mothers texts messages and allegations.

Mother claims the father is incapable of co-parenting because he does not address her allegations and ignores her texts.

Mother claims she will get more custody.

Father wants to block mothers mobile number but does not want this to portray father as bad in the eyes of the court.

Father is looking for alternatives to communicating with the mother.

QUESTION:

Is it likely the mother's assertions will be given any weight in court?

If the father continues to ignore the mother could this be portrayed as him looking ignorant of childs needs?

Are there any alternatives to communicating with other parent when text messaging and phone calls are not amicable?

Can I just ask how does change over take place?

Mine was at a change over centre. No contact whatsoever.

1. You don’t have to speak with her over the phone if your being harassed, etc.

2. You don’t have to respond to every single text message, just because she says it’s important.

3. You will know how important something is, this is your child also, not because she says it is.

4. You will not look as though you are ignorant for ignoring the child’s mother if you feel it is not of any concern towards your child. When your child is in your care it is not her responsibility.
How much can a person say that is of concern.

5. Does the mother communicate with you regarding concerns only when your child is with you? To me, this is important to mention if she did take you to court.

6. If the mother’s messages affect you, this will affect your child also, it definitely can cause an impact when your child is in your care.

7. Is there anyone else willing to speak with her, either living with you or not living you, just as long as you get the information about your child. Your ex will need to agree though.

8. Regarding her allegations, that’s all it is.

You don’t have to explain her allegations towards you, back to her, that’s crazy.

9. I believe she is trying to set you up to talk about her allegations towards you. Then without realising you might say something that she can use against you.

10. I would begin writing down the dates and times you receive any contact.

11. I would also take notes of what the conversation or message was about.

12. I would take notes on why I did reply and why I did not you reply.

13. Keep all messages and conversations.

14. If the mother was to take you to court, at least you have some proof to produce and that way you don’t need to remember because everything is noted.

Her allegations would have to be pretty harsh for you to get less time and they would have to never proven.

15, Either go to court and ask for the changes you want. Wait until your ex-partner files or just hang in there.

If the custody situation has happened recently, me personally would give it time before she stops harassing you.

Don’t feel discouraged to ever reply.

My brother's ex is a lunatic, the children live with him. I know that all mothers are not sane. I’d be lying to myself if I was to say they are.

Keep all text messages.

Good luck Philly.

 

[Alert]

Separated for 3 years.

Father previously had full time care.

Mother and Father now share care 50/50

Mother is bombarding father with text messages of allegations of incompetence, implying father does not do homework with child, father does not make childs education a priority, father works too much, etc.

Mother has no evidence of any of these things.

Father ignores mothers texts messages and allegations.

Mother claims father is incapable of coparenting because he does not address her allegations and ignores her texts.

Mother claims she will get more custody.

Father wants to block mothers mobile number but does not want this to portray father as bad in the eyes of the court.

Father is looking for alternatives to communicating with mother.

QUESTION:

Is it likely the mothers assertions will be given any weight in court?

If the father continues to ignore the mother could this be portrayed as him looking ignorant of childs needs?

Are there any alternatives to communicating with other parent when text messaging and phone calls are not amicable?

Philly, I just read some previous posts you have posted.

I read you are representing yourself?

How is mothers behaviour towards you in court?

Does your child have a children’s rep, if not why?

I believe this to be very important for your child?

I read in another post of yours, someone said something along the lines, ‘being exposed to physical and psychological abuse towards others, is not so harmful if your child is not the aim of this abuse’. I totally disagree with that comment.

This behaviour your child is exposed to is not in the best interest of your child. Search the legal term ‘Best Interests of a child’ or could be ‘Best Interest for a child’.

I was in Family Court for about 4 years. I would always mention, this is not in the best interest for a child.

The erratic behaviour your child is confronted with will/could become normal behaviour for your child.
Your child will or already is psychologically damaged, your child could also become physically abused.

Does the mother have screened urine tests?

Has the mother been ordered to see a forensic psychologist?

A child rep can make orders on behalf of your child.

Ask for a child rep, a children’s lawyer who acts for your child. They have a huge part regarding the outcome, huge!

Remember, In the best interest of a child, search its legal meaning. You will find the mother's behaviour is ‘not in the best interest of the child’.

Good luck Philly.

 

[Philly2020]

Philly I just read some previous posts you have posted.
I read you are representing yourself?

How is mothers behaviour towards you in court?

Does your child have a children’s rep, if not why?

I believe this to be very important for your child?

I read in another post of yours, someone said something along the lines, ‘being exposed to physical and psychological abuse towards others, is not so harmful if your child is not the aim of this abuse’. I totally disagree with that comment.

This behaviour your child is exposed to is not in the best interest of your child.
Search the legal term ‘Best Interests of a child’ or could be ‘Best Interest for a child’.

I was in Family Court for about 4 years. I would always mention, this is not in the best interest for a child.

The erratic behaviour your child is confronted with will/could become normal behaviour for your child.
Your child will or already is psychologically damaged, your child could also become physically abused.

Does the mother have screened urine tests?

Has the mother been ordered to see a forensic psychologist?

A child rep can make orders on behalf of your child.

Ask for a child rep, a children’s lawyer who acts for your child. They have a huge part regarding the outcome, HUGE!!

Remember, In the best interest of a child, search it’s legal meaning. You will find the mothers behaviour is ‘NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF CHILD’.

Good luck Philly.

Thank you so much for your lengthy response.

Reading my previous posts may not have been too helpful. I am involved in a family law matter myself and I also post questions on behalf of someone else I am close to who is also going through the family law system. My posts refer to multiple situations and many people.

Regarding this post, it is my partner's ex wife who is causing the problems.

An application was made for a recovery order of the child 18 months ago after the mother withheld the child from the father and school for a month. Prior to this there were no orders in place. Her reason for doing this was because they were negotiating property settlement and he refused to give her what she wanted (something ridiculous like 90%), she claimed that his behaviour was irrational and he was therefore not fit to care for their son.

A recovery order was filed and it went to court with the judge telling the mother that she was to come to an agreement with the father regarding care, or the father would be given full custody. The father has always tried to be fair and 50/50 custody was agreed on an interim basis. The judge also noted that it was in the mothers best interest to have a psychological evaluation done. The father claims the mother suffers from extreme narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar and possible other personality disorders. There is a history of mental health in her family. The mother has ignored the judges suggest and has not has the evaluation done.

The mother refuses to abide by the court orders on a very frequent basis by refusing the call the father on every second evening as per orders, instead the mother has demanded that the father initiate the call, stating that despite the court orders it has become 'status quo' that the father initiates the call, the father states that as she refuses to call him he is left with no choice other than to call.

However, even then it frequently occurs that the mother does not accept the call or only allows the child to speak to the father for several minutes before saying 'dinner is ready' and terminating the call. She also refuses to call and states the child does not want to speak to the father. It is very obvious that when phone calls do occur the phone is put on speaker and the mother listens to the call, at times other answering for the child or dictating what the child says.

The mother also refuses to abide by court orders by demanding the child be collected from her home instead of the court ordered change over the place, which is the child paternal grandparents home. Her reasons for this have been 'its too cold to take a child outside' 'the child is comfortable at home', 'i have a newborn baby' and 'i am sick'. If the father wants to spend time with the child he has left no choice other than to collect the child from the mother's residence. However, this is troublesome because the mother had previously made false allegations of violence by the father to the police, in an attempt to obtain an avo against the father to discredit his character.

The mother has a history of violence, with 4 assault charges, the last one being only recently which she is still waiting to be sentenced for. When the most recent assault occurred the mother has on section 10 good behaviour bond for the next recent assault which she was charged for 10 months earlier. The mother has multiple AVO's against her. She is known to the police as vindictive and uncooperative, once when being served she threw the papers back at the officer. She often refuses to allow police on to her property when they've wanted to question her regarding her behaviour.

For the past 18 months, no further child matters have been addressed in court as the father was advised to complete property settlement first. The mother has refused to be reasonable, she is now onto her 4th solicitor. The mother refuses to give full disclosure. The matter is set for a conciliation conference in the coming months, however, it was previously set in April with it being 'administratively adjourned'. Even then the mother did not provide the disclosure prior. Evidence has been provided of the mother hiding cash in safes and lying about income she is receiving.

Recently the mother messaged the father to discuss swapping a day in the near future so her child could attend a family event. The father suggests a day that was suitable for him. The mother remained vague regarding the wap, however, the father text to the mother asking that she confirm the swap of days by that next Friday otherwise plans would be made and he would not be available to change at a later date. The father requested the mother confirm the times she would like the child for by that next Friday.

The morning of this Friday the mother text the father with the times she would like to collect and return the son, and then thanked the father. The father took this as acceptance of the swap and he made plans accordingly. As the day the father requested was before the one the mother wanted, on this day the father collects the child from school. The mother begins to send aggressive texts claiming that the father has not been given permission by her to do so, and he is breaching the orders etc. The father states to the mother that her texts very much implied there was an agreement, the mother denies this to be the case and discredits the father's motives and character. The mothers threaten legal action.

The father has recently blocked the mother's phone number and requested that all non-urgent matters be sent to his solicitor and for urgent matters and emergencies, she has been provided with an alternative number, being his partner, (me).

 

[Philly2020]

‘being exposed to physical and psychological abuse towards others, is not so harmful if your child is not the aim of this abuse’. I totally disagree with that comment.

The mother assaulted the fathers new partner (me), at the childs football game in front of not just the child, but my children and many, many other children attending the game.

The mother has also assaulted her new childs father at a shopping mall (they separated soon after she become pregnant), by throwing a glass of water at him, shattering it on his arm, whilst his 4 year old daughter sat next to him.

This is the most recent assault which she is still waiting to be sentenced for and also is a breach of her section 10 bond, given to her for the previous assault.

 

[Philly2020]

Does your child have a children’s rep, if not why?

No furtherr child matters have been addressed in court due to a prolonged property settlement however when they will be the father will strongly be requesting and ICL be appointed for the child.

 

[sammy01]

OK you guys need to learn to play better.

So what happens when the kid is with you? Do you facilitate phone calls?

The kid is meant to be dropped off at paternal grandparents? What does mum do to pick up the kid?

Don't agree to changes. Simple... OR, don't bother with swaps. Keep it simple. Agree for the kid to go to the family party with mum. This thing you're talking about is a child, not a footy card. Hence don't do swaps. It keeps negotiation simple and it makes you look good in court.

Realise you're dealing with a nutter. Realise you're dealing with a nutter. Yup wrote it twice... You lot seem to be slow learners... Realise you're dealing with a nutter. So forget using logic. Forget reasonable. You were crazy to agree to 50/50 care. But like I said- Realise you're dealing with a nutter. 50/50 care works when both parents are child-focused not conflict focused. Hence 50/50 is not good. 50/50 is not fair... it is equal as a maths equation, but it is stupid to have a child bouncing from crazy land to your house. Forget equal, forget fair.

Think about the best interest of the child and if half of what you've written is true then it is not in the best interests of the child to spend half their life with the nutter. Why on earth would you agree to 50/50 when the alternative was 100% care. You could have offered her 30% care and she would have had to choose 30% care or 0% care...

Children should be sorted before assets. But it sounds like that horse has bolted.

Ok, so far I've done nothing but criticise you guys, but with respect, you need a kick in the butt...
Let's work on solutions.

1 - Get a cheap mobile phone with $10 credit - Keep it in the boot of the car and only check it once a day. Inform the ex that it is dad's new number... This is crazy, but good advice. See, dad needs to be seen to be able to work with / communicate with mum, so having step-mum (you) as a contact person could be seen as antagonistic... true? But with the phone hiding in the boot dad can get on with his life without having a panic attack every time the phone rings.

2 - Forget phone calls. Kids live in the here and now. My kids very rarely ask to call mum. I have to initiate it. Why? Well, kids are busy, the thing that is directly in front of them is the thing they're thinking about. And - If the phone calls are causing conflict then don't do them. You guys have a paper trail that shows mum isn't calling, that she is listening in, that it is a problem. I'm willing to bet the kid is getting interrogated by the nutter (oops - I meant the mother) about every part of their life with you.

These phone calls are just another opportunity for the nutter to interrogate the kid... Quit the phone calls. If asked in court explain that you thought the calls were causing conflict between you and mum and were potentially stressing the kid... Look it would be different if you only saw the kid a few times a year. But with 50/50 care - not a big deal if you don't talk to the child for 7 days. True?

3. Play hard - play fair. Eventually, the system will catch up with the ex. The ex is helping you. You guys need to paint a picture for the judge. You guys are sane, good people, child centred and able to deal with the nutter. The ex meanwhile needs to paint a different picture and what she is doing is presenting a case that only helps you... good. So stay calm and play hard and fair.

The final piece of advice - I'm not proud of this (well maybe I am). You had an opportunity to finish this18 months ago. You missed that opportunity. Forget fair. So I'm gonna be blunt, metaphorically, you had your boot on her throat, you let it off. That was a mistake. Do not repeat it. Whilst I would like to think the system is without bias, I can tell you this. If the gender roles were reversed I honestly believe you would not be posting.

If it was the dad that had all those assault charges he would be in jail and when he got out he would not be seeing the kid, well at least not without supervision. So what is different here. I'm going to risk answering my question. You... Yep, you... I don't think the system perfect and without gender bias. BUT IF the dad had withheld the kid for a month and refused to let the kid go to school dad would not be rewarded with being granted 50/50 care. Hell no. And I bet the mother would not have agreed to 50/50 in that situation. You guys chose to agree to 50/50. Sure equal, sure fair (u'm nope not really - fair on the parents maybe?) but family law is about best interests of the child. Is it really in the best interest of the child to be caught up in all this crazy? hell no.

Now I know my opinion seems a bit harsh, but I do think it is accurate and well-intentioned.

 

[Philly2020]

ok you guys need to learn to play better.

So what happens when the kid is with you? do you facilitate phone calls?

Kid is mean't to be dropt off at paternal grand-parents? What does mum do to pick up the kid?

Don't agree to changes. Simple... OR, don't bother with swaps. Keep it simple. Agree for the kid to go to the family party with mum. This thing you're talking about is a child, not a footy card. Hence don't do swaps. It keeps negotiation simple and it makes you look good in court.

Realise you're dealing with a nutter. Realise you're dealing with a nutter. Yup wrote it twice... You lot seem to be slow learners... Realise you're dealing with a nutter. So forget using logic. Forget reasonable. You were crazy to agree to 50/50 care. But like I said- Realise you're dealing with a nutter. 50/50 care works when both parents are child focused NOT conflict focused. Hence 50/50 is not good. 50/50 is not fair... it is equal as a maths equation, but it is stupid to have a child bouncing from crazy land to your house. Forget equal, forget FAIR. Think about best interest of the child and if HALF of what you've written is true then it is not in the best interests of the child to spend half their life with the nutter. Why on earth would you agree to 50/50 when the alternative was 100% care. You could have offered her 30% care and she would have had to choose 30% care OR 0% care...

Children should be sorted before assets. But it sounds like that horse has bolted.

Ok, so far I've done nothing but criticise you guys, but with respect you need a kick in the butt...
Let's work on solutions.
1 - get a cheap mobile phone with $10 credit - Keep it in the boot of the car and only check it once a day. Inform the ex that it is dad's new number.... This is crazy, but good advice. See, dad needs to be seen to be able to work with / communicate with mum, so having step-mum (you) as a contact person could be seen as antagonistic... true? But with the phone hiding in the boot dad can get on with his life without having a panic attack every time the phone rings.

2 - Forget phone calls. Kids live in the here and now. My kids very rarely ask to call mum. I have to initiate it. WHY? Well kids are busy, the thing that is directly in front of them is the thing they're thinking about. AND - If the phone calls are causing conflict then don't do them. You guys have a papertrail that shows mum isn't calling, that she is listening in, that it is a problem. I'm willing to bet the kid is getting interogated by the nutter (oops - I meant the mother) about every part of their life with you. These phone calls are just another opportunity for the nutter to interogate the kid... Quit the phone calls. If asked in court explain that you thought the calls were causing conflict between you and mum and were potentially stressing the kid.... Look it would be different if you only saw the kid a few times a year. But with 50/50 care - not a big deal if you don't talke to the child for 7 days. True?

3. Play hard - play fair. Eventually the system will catch up with the ex. The ex is helping you. You guys need to paint a picture for the judge. You guys are sane, good people, child centred and able to deal with the nutter. The ex meanwhile needs to paint a different picture and what she is doing is presenting a case that only helps you... GOOD. So stay calm and play hard and fair.

Final piece of advice - I'm not proud of this (well maybe I am). You had an opportunity to finish this18 months ago. You missed that opportunity. FORGET FAIR. So I'm gonna be blunt, metaphorically, you had your boot on her throat, you let it off. That was a mistake. Do not repeat it. Whilst I would like to think the system is without bias, I can tell you this. If the gender rolls were reversed I honestly believe you would not be posting. IF it was dad that had all those assault charges he would be in jail and when he got out he would not be seeing the kid, well at least not without supervision. So what is different here. I'm going to risk answering my question. YOU... YEP YOU... I don't think the system perfect and without gender bias. BUT IF the dad had witheld the kid for a month and refused to let the kid go to school dad would not be rewarded with being granted 50/50 care. HELL NO... And I bet the mother would not have agreed to 50/50 in that situation. You guys chose to agree to 50/50. Sure equal, sure fair (u'm nop not really - fair on the parents maybe??) BUT family law is about best interests of the child. Is it really in the best interest of the child to be caught up in all this crazy? hell no.

Now I know my advice seems a bit harsh, but i do think it is accurate and well intentioned

Thank you, Sammy, your opinion is helpful and I agree, warranted.

I completely agree with you, in pretty much everything that you have said.

Unfortunately 18 months ago when the recovery order was filed and interim orders were made I was fairly new on the scene (12 months), and I wasn't in a position to insist that he not agree to 50/50 shared custody. I could see this mess coming from a mile away. However he did, and now we are here trying to backtrack. At this time I think he was still stuck in the rut, had little self-confidence and intimidated by her. And, his solicitor only newly acquired, suggested that he agree to this.

I do understand that she is cutting her own throat with this behaviour. We have been extremely vigilant with documenting it.

It was the nutter who requested that immediate concerns be dealt with her new partner and myself exchanging numbers, so it would be absurd (not impossible) for her to then suggest that antagonises her in some way. Although the nutter has a 14-week old baby to someone else, I can't imagine like all the other men she has come into her life that this one will stick around for too much longer either.

We are certain he gets interrogated by his mother, 100%.