QLD Homeschooling Issue - Should Father Fight for Custody of Children?

[nibler1300]

Okay, so now Mother has sent email meant for Father but addressed it to Father's partner. Child went to school yesterday, however, she was picked up early because child complained about a sore tummy. She did not go to school today.

Mother thinks she is complaining because child is upset about another child.

How does the Father deal with the email that is obviously meant for him being addressed to his partner?

 

[AllForHer]

Okay.

I'm a 'new partner'. I've been married to my husband for nearly three years, we've been together for four-and-a-half years, I've known my stepdaughter for over half her life now, and I've had a total of three conversations with the ex-wife.

I'm still 'a horrible person', I still tell my husband 'what to do', I'm still the cause of all her problems, I'm still 'not to be involved in anything to do with' my stepdaughter. I also lead a secret life of violence, drug use and child abuse. You name it, I've done it (according to the ex-wife).

Mate, that road never ends - you will never be able to stop your ex from rubbishing your partner.

But you can control how you respond.

And in my experience, the best way to respond is to laugh among yourselves, brush it off, and then get on with the business of parenting.

Don't respond with anger, or gallant defensiveness, or logic or reason. Getting a rise out of you is what mum wants, so don't fuel her fire.

Instead, sit on it for two or three days, then decide if you actually need to respond at all. My husband ignores nine out of every ten text messages from his ex-wife, because many of them are just criticism thinly veiled as a parenting question, and the rest are just outright emotional drivel of no relevance to actual parenting.

If you decide that you do need to respond, then put on your most pleasant pants possible, and practice assertive communication.

'Hi, thanks for letting me know X was sick. I will speak to X's teacher about possible bullying, and it may help X to speak to the school counsellor, as well. Let me know if you have any other thoughts on this. Thanks.'

Don't even acknowledge the deliberate attempt to bait you by addressing it to your partner.

Most parents who exercise kindness, even in the face of hatred, generally find that little by little, the other parent will start to mimic their behaviours.

 

[nibler1300]

Completely understand. Thank you very much for your help

Will keep updating if needed.

 

[sammy01]

Yep no legal advice, just some life experience... Idiots are not very bright. You can try and tell them that they are being an idiot, but they won't understand because they are an idiot. It is pretty simple, but even normal sensible people like you and me struggle with it...

A sensible response would be to ask for her to stop and that it is clearly stupid... She won't stop and will take glee in knowing it got to you.

So ignore it. Or don't... I reckon I've got a slightly better idea - respond.

Dear ex,

Thanks for keeping us informed about XXXX. We hope her stomach ache is better. Please give her a big hug and kiss from us and tell her that we are looking forward to seeing her soon.

Kind Regards,

(and sign off with both names)...

Go on dare ya.

 

[nibler1300]

So conversation went like this (Paraphrased):

Father: Hi Mother. Please let me know of Child's appointments and medical information as soon as you can. Please make sure I am authorised to contact doctor if needed. Also, in relation to email correspondence. I will not be responding as it is not addressed to me.

Partner will not be responding as there is no need for her to communicate with you unless in emergency situations. This is not an emergency. If you wish to receive a response, please resend addressed to me and give reasons for the request in date change.

Mother: Thanks Partner. Authorisation is already done. Are you guys going to be decent parents or do we really have to go back to court

Father: I really don't feel the need to go back to court however I do appreciate the feedback, Will definitely take it on board. Working day shift today, can call tonight between X-Ypm will make it quick so it doesn't interrupt bed time or dinner. Otherwise, does tomorrow afternoon suit better?

Mother: It appears essential considering you are no longer parenting with me. I can forward texts too. Do you honestly stand by everything in the contravention application and affidavit? Tomorrow will be fine.

Father has not responded. Yet...Looking for advice. It would seem that not responding will make her believe she is in the right and that partner (whom simply helped with the affidavit) made everything up. As Sammy said... idiots are not very bright. And Father has brought up the fact that Mother still isn't answering questions (relevant to the child).

Would it be appropriate for the Father to respond like:

"If you think it is essential to go forth with mediation, then I support your decision 100%. I will endeavour to meet your co-parenting standards as much as I can. Hope child is feeling better. Please let her know that we look forward to seeing her soon.

I whole heartedly agree with everything written in the affidavit and contravention application that were filed last year, I would not have filed them otherwise. However as part of the consent orders signed in December by both you and I, all outstanding applications were dismissed. Therefore I do not believe there is any reason to discuss dismissed matters.
Thanks."

New orders were made in December as the Judge decided it was easier to mediate and come up with new orders than proceed with a very long contravention list (which was then limited to 6). Judge advised Mother that it was in her best interest to proceed with mediation and cooperate rather than dealing with the contraventions - as everything in affidavit had text messages against everything to prove. Mother still denies withholding child, moving child without notification, not giving information, being abusive etc...

 

[AllForHer]

Don't talk about Court. She's baiting you. If she has an issue with what was written in the affidavit, she can raise it in Court.

If it were me, I would simply say:

No worries, I'll call between X between Xpm and Ypm tomorrow afternoon. Cheers.

 

[thatbloke]

Home schooling is not illegal, there is no specific order in relation to education. I doubt this will go anywhere if Mum has backup and is following home schooling procedures and rules

 

[sammy01]

Mate you got off light. She could have had so much more fun with you. So you told her that you won't respond if the communication is addressed to your partner... And neither will your partner... So what if she continues to address stuff to your partner that needs a response?

So you're not winning, nope you're losing badly, and frankly, you're ignoring good suggestions. We advised you not to engage with the stupidity, or at best, to play along and use plurals 'us', 'we' to support the idea that you and your partner are together and it is not a big deal... Instead you decided to make an argument out of it and she won - Twice, yep twice. Why?

1. She is still referring to the partner in the communication. So she is not following your instructions (point to her).

2. She is distracting you from the primary objective (point to her).

3. Petty arguments help her cause - they prove to the magistrate that you guys are dysfunctional and arguably, one parent needs sole parental responsibility, at least for some issues like schooling. And you do you reckon they're gonna give sole parental responsibility to? Not you. (Game set and match)

Oops, nope she beat you 3 different ways. So time to start being a hell of a lot smarter about the way you're approaching this.

So here is a thought... Crap like 'are you guys going to be decent parents?" is stupid. So I eventually had some success but you need to be consistent. Either ignore, ignore and ignore, some more, or get a standard response and repeat, repeat, repeat...

Dear ex, comments like "'are you guys going to be decent parents" are un-necessary please refrain from such commentary. I'm not interested in your attempts to cause conflict. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Look, I think you're better off not responding... But for me, responding but doing so very strategically gave me a sense of empowerment... But you guys have got to get better at it.

 

[Lennon]

I wouldn't engage with that kind of game-playing, and I certainly wouldn't tell her who to address her correspondence to. As Sammy says, that just lets her know that she has got under your skin and gives her a chance to score a point in the "game".

If the email went to your partner's email, I would just get her to forward it to you, so you can reply to your ex. Sign off with your name but don't comment on the fact her email went to your partner.

If the email went to your email, again just reply and sign off with your name. No need for any commentary about the fact she addressed your partner, or her dig at you being "decent parents" etc. Just focus on the actual issues.

 

[Rod]

I agree with the above comments.

Being blunt, your ex is playing an A grade game, and you appear to be playing at a C grade level. It is better for you to avoid playing her game altogether using the techniques already mentioned above by 3 good posters.