I’m going to play devil’s advocate and raise some questions that I would probably ask if I was on mum’s team.
Why do you want to change the orders if you’re arguing the existing orders have been working well for the kids?
You’re also arguing the kids are performing well at school...yet they don’t see you much during their school week, do they?
The kids would probably benefit from a better balance of work and play with both parents, no? You may not be seeking more time during the week, but if mum is seeking an extra weekend each month so the kids get a bit more leisure time to balance the work time with her, why shouldn’t the court grant it?
I don’t know that you’ll succeed getting mum declared a vexatious litigant
If there’s no reason equal care can’t work, why not ask for equal time?
IMPORTaNT... EDITED TO SAVE SPACE. READ THE ORIGINAL POST IF YOU'RE CURIOUS
Well hello Devil's Advocate,
Before I respond may I say thank you for taking the time and delivering a reality check. I know you probably have better things to do with your time but I (and I'm sure others) appreciate your contribution to our processes. Sincerely, thank you!
Why do I want to change the orders?
Actually, I'd be happy for the orders to stay the same except for a few things not covered in the original orders that have caused unintended complications (not confusion).
Travel - I want to give my own children the same benefit my stepdaughter gets by taking them away on family holidays and experiencing other cultures. My ex says she "knows" I will abscond with them without justification. I'm a responsible person, I'm the sole carer of my old-aged mother and have no desire to take my children away from Australia.
My family travel with me on these holidays including my wife and stepdaughter, my aged mother, one brother and his wife, my sister, her son - and on a few occasions my grown nephew and his wife.
I have even offered to pay for my ex-wife to come on these holidays if she was really serious about the potential of me snatching them away.
Safety of the children - My children are young... and I have video footage (from my wife's dash cam) of my primary school aged children walking to school alone. The walk to school is only about 800m (Through suburban streets) but the school has issued 3 safety alerts about suspicious individuals, and threats against the school in the past 2 years. An alternative to leaving them at home when my ex goes to work (and letting them walk to school alone) and walking home alone (including being alone until she returns from work) is to drop the kids at my house (10 minutes away) so they could have breakfast there, get dropped at school and picked up with my step-daughter. When they are old enough it's fine in my eyes for them to be unattended, but I don't believe primary school is old enough.
Performance at School
Actually no, I'm actively involved in my children's schooling. A weekend is Saturday, Sunday and Monday (we drop them off to school on Tuesday morning). I don't know what homework they do at their mother's house but the reading App indicates to me they rarely do school prescribed reading at her house. They also use a Math Apps that show they also don't do the prescribed math work while at their Mum's house.
I supply the iPads and the educational applications required at school as my ex refused to pay for "Luxury school items" the school suggests they have.
Every day they are at my place we do something educational. (My new wife is a school teacher, but doesn't work at the moment because she's a full-time mum).
On Mondays, we cover the revision of the work they are currently doing. My children have a book at my house (and they had had the book for about 2 years) where they write something interesting they learned at school that day. It's a good refresher and conversation starter.
I'm specifically trying to inspire my children towards STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) subjects and therefore we play fun Math games regularly at my house. We have hours and hours of video of the science experiments we on weekends and holidays. It's fun to watch them back and see the mistakes we made.
I'm actively involved in the schools P&C and make sure my step-daughter attends as many school events as we can including the Science and Technology Fair - which my sons were not allowed to attend. My step-daughter is doing similarly well at school in spite of English being her second language.
I have correspondence from my ex-wife at the beginning of 2017 telling me she could not afford to pay the cost of 50% of the school books so I "would have to choose which child got books and the other child could borrow books at school". Three weeks later she was in Sydney on holidays.
I can't take credit for how well the children are doing at school but think both parents should take responsibility for providing the best learning environment possible for them.
Better balance of work time and weekend time with Mum?
(This is where I may sound a little harsh - forgive me)
I've not read anywhere in the legislation a requirement to be fair to a mum or a dad when it comes to what days they have with the children.
(All harshness over - but I wanted to make that point)
I've asked my ex (and her lawyers and the mediators) to help me understand what benefit there is for the kids if they spend less weekend time with me, and can't get an answer. My ex just says it's unfair she only has one weekend a month.
My reason why the current routine is beneficial for them:
Divorce is difficult, we have been in and out of court for over 5 years. My ex falsely accused me of domestic violence and exploded in a court hearing regarding that matter. I have transcripts to illustrate the voracity of her slander upon me. There are the ongoing threats from my ex towards me, my new wife and my family, and deliberate breaches of consent orders. I have a TXT from my ex-wife saying she's prepared to "hurt the children if it also hurts me".
Church has been an important part of our family remaining calm, forgiving and loving (and keeping me sane, to be honest). My children like going to church and I hope it isn't just the morning team and cake after the service. My eldest son has recently asked when he can start taking communion instead of receiving a blessing and that is something we're working towards.
If the Court decides that exposing our children to more vitriol, anger, hate and aggression is good for them then I will have to accept that. I didn't instigate any of the court actions I've been through but the court is infinitely more experience than I in such matters.
I'd prefer just to get on with our lives, be thankful for what we have and spend our time and energy on giving our children what they need to be responsible adults.
Is a 28-day cycle more confusing than a monthly cycle or even a fortnightly cycle?
I don't think it matters what court orders are put in place as there is ample evidence of my ex-wife's disregard for court orders. I think ultimately she will do whatever she wants, whether it's "complicated" or not.
I've offered to provide and pay for a co-parenting app so we can create a calendar to remove any possibility of confusion. My ex has refused to use that because it removes confusion she creates - like randomly swapping weekends when it suits her.
Is a 28 day cycle confusing? It's not as confusing as not following the agreed routine.
Why not equal time?
Equal time exposes them to an increase in hostility from the mother and deprives them of dad time, family time and church time on the weekends. The children also both started competitive sport on weekends and I'm concerned that she will not take them to matches when I attend, just as she has threatened to keep them home from school if I went on school excursions with them.
I also listened to her lawyer in the original mediation making the point that when children are younger they benefit from more contact time with Mums, but as my children get nearer to their teenage years I believe they will benefit from spending more time with dad, and in a happy family environment.
They are not far off from being an age where they can literally choose where they want to be, and when that time comes we (as parents) should accept that. I accept there is a risk that one day they may think, "When we're with Mum we go to theme parks and the movies and when we're with dad we have to help in the garden and have to wash the car" but I hope they will understand the value of just being normal and not needing something exciting in life all of the time.
As for her being a
vexatious litigant (or not)
I've not considered such requests of the court because I accept a mother has the right to exercise everything legally within her power to do the best she can for her children.
Yes there have been abusive text and threats to me and my family, yes she has breached court orders, yes she called a Magistrate a ^%$#ing fat $^&% (and I have transcripts of that), yes she has lied outrageously in affidavits - but she is the mother of the children and one might expect in extreme cases, some mothers will act like this.
I want my kids to love their mum and I want them to be protected from as much off the nastiness as possible. The best way to do that is to keep things as they are, with the court making clarifications on how much one parent can interfere in the lives of children when they are resident with the other parent, and what keeps the children safe from harm.
