NSW Narcissistic ex is destroying the children to get to me! Please help

[Samantha Wormleaton]

I've been in a domestic violent relationship for 10yrs. I've been trying to separate from him since the 12th of April. We share 5 children together 4 boys and 1 girl at the time the ages were 9, 6, 3, 1 and 6 months. He has 5 other children to previous relationship ages 18, 17, 15, 11 and 10. I've always knew that the whole relationship was wrong and not right but he would always get into my head somehow and convince me that I was wrong and over exaggerating. I feel so broken trying to end this relationship realising what I've actually had to deal with. I just want to be free of him. Whilst in the relationship he always favoured his eldest son which is the 15yr. When my 9yr was only 8 months old he was roughly 6 he punched him in the forehead for no reason and left a nasty bruise and lump. Since then he has always been very aggressive and violent towards the 9yr at one stage he swung a cricket bat above his head that hard towards my son I would hate to no what would of happened if he didn't duck. I always brought this to his dad's attention but he would always make up excuses and even lie for his behaviour and point blank refused to seek help for the now 15yr. Also his daughter to previous relationship the 11yr at the time was only 6 and my 9yr only 4 pressured him into oral sex both ways and nothing was done to help anybody. I desperately wanted to seek help for my son over the yrs but was always shut down and abused not to. He would claim that if our son was to say even the half of what's gone on facs would take them. I'm now at the stage where I'm trying to separate and get my children the appropriate help they need but because there is no family law orders in place no one is wanting to help me. My ex has made the children so aware of so many adult topics. Hes threatened suicide and acted as If he was going to several times in the car infront of the children. Hes put it into my 9yr son that I smoke drugs which he now goes around saying. My ex is controlling my every move and literally using our children to get to me and control me. Nothing was ever reported over the last 10 yrs so I'm finding it very difficult to even get an avo because he is also manipulating the system. He is very cunning and I believe he is a narccisist. I'm not allowed to have any of the children unless its his say so and I'm not allowed to have more than 2 at a time they are always split up. I feel as if he doesnt have the best interests of the children at heart. I was the 1 what did everything thag involved raising our children since birth plus all the household duties he literally did nothing. I've contacted legal aid and been granted. Just waiting on lawyer to respond. I've tried to break up with him without exposing the kids to more drama it's like he's driven to do the opposite. I feel immense guilt for not having the balls to leave earlier. I'm so lost and confused right now. I love my children with everything I've got. But it's really starting to feel like I'm trying to win a battle that's already been decided. Any advice would mean the world to me right now thanks