QLD Mother Not Adhering to Parenting Plan?

[Migz]

Hi all,

I know a lot of you know most of my story already but just to recap;

1. Daughter is 8 months old
2. Interim Court Date is set for 27th Feb
3. Only orders currently in place are in relation to passport, which is why its going back to court.
4. Mother currently allows me 2 hours visitation every Saturday afternoon unsupervised
5. I was able to have my daughter for 4 hours from 8am til Midday on Christmas day after a lot of persuading

Ok, so here is my dilemma that I would like help with:

I am currently on holidays, and the mother goes back to work on Wed, 28th Dec. Each week, my daughter is put in daycare Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri... and it is one of the mother's unwritten rules that the father cannot see his daughter on daycare days due to stressing the child with too many familiar faces. (Just another reason we are off to family court)

Secondly, her own parenting plan that the mother has written up (we both had to write one up), neither has been agreed to states;

·* If the father is on holidays and the mother is working, the child will visit the father the full days 8:30am to 5:00pm on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday instead of going to daycare.

Lastly, I wanted to test the water this morning so I wrote an email to the mother this morning requesting that I have my daughter for the full day on the 28th, her response was "I'm sorry that is not possible as I work and she will be going to day care."

I haven't responded to her reply as yet.

Question, how should I respond considering the following?

1. How can I respond showing that the mother is failing to co-parent (once again)?

2. The fact that she would rather our daughter spend quality bonding time with Daycare Workers instead of her own father, especially during these formative months.

3. I will be showing this email to the Judge in an Amended Initiating Application in the new year.

4. How can I word a response so as to get visitation for the day of the 28th?

5. If I don't get visitation, can I contact Daycare to make sure she was dropped off and not dumped at a friend's or auntie's place for the day?

6. I'm pushing pretty hard with this as I want to show the Judge the type of mother I'm dealing with.

Thanks.

 

[sammy01]

Do nothing...

Nothing...

Her case - you don't discuss, negotiate, compromise. You do irrational things that are not in the best interest of the kid and worse, you can not communicate with her to come to mutually agreeable decisions. Now, that is her case and it is mad.

Now your biggest win is that you're having unsupervised time. So she can't argue that you're unstable, dangerous, etc...because if she wanted to argue that line, then she should not let you have unsupervised contact. So you take the kid. Guess what? Her response will be that you can't have unsupervised contact because you do crazy s**t like take the kids without agreement... You will be helping her case.

Now the other part of her case is that you can't agree and there is too much conflict and as such, the kid needs to be kept away from the conflict (kept away from you)...

Now taking the kid against her agreement is conflict.

You can argue that she said this and that and changed her mind and that ain't fair. And it is not... but family law isn't about fair - not even about justice... It's about the best interest of the kids... Get it tattooed on your bum.

It is all you need to know. So you take the kid - you're causing conflict. Kids need to be kept away from conflict... You will be helping her case.

Your case - you've done all you can to work with mum. Yes, there has been conflict, but you're confident that once there are court orders and the dust settles, things will calm down.

Your case - despite the current situation, you have resisted causing more conflict because you don't want to put the child in a situation where they are exposed to conflict.

Your case - this is the best bit - you've done all you can to try to resolve conflict without escalating it. Despite you being child focussed in your approach, you're having issues with the mum. Oh and you're honour, I can demonstrate all of this with solid evidence.

So let's get back to the original post by you, especially the bit about mother's 'unwritten laws'. Let's get them written down. Like this - text message -

Dear ex - would you mind if child spent 4 hours with me on XXX? I will pick up the child from child care at XXXX and return them at XXXX . Do you agree?

Repeat this a few times - but let us know how you go. You don't want an AVO...

Mate family law is a long slow process. the best help ever is this - always, always keep the goal in sight. The goal ain't a few hours with your kid next week. The goal is permanent meaningful ongoing time with the kid every week.

Read the last bit a few times until it sinks in...

 

[sammy01]

One more thing - the last thing you wrote worries me.

"6. I'm pushing pretty hard with this as I want to show the Judge the type of mother I'm dealing with."

Judge interprets that sort of sentiment as - these two people hate each other and they want a judge to decide which one is the biggest idiot. It reeks of conflict.

You should be going to court to prove what a great dad you are. Nothing else.

 

[Migz]

Thanks for the replies Sammy01.

For starters I won't be picking my daughter up or taking her from daycare if the mother fails to agree today. But I will have everything documented how I wanted to 'follow her parenting plan' but she still didn't compromise. Any Judge with that sort of proof in front of them would have to ask the question..."so Mother, you wrote up your own parenting plan and even though it's not signed, you still couldn't adhere too it!"

I have her unwritten law written down in an email from her months ago. As it was put in an Annexure for my Affidavit. As it states I'm not allowed to pick up or drop off my daughter to and from daycare, and I'm not allowed to see her on daycare days due to stress.

Lastly, it's pretty hard to prove what a great dad you are when you only get to see your own daughter for 2 hours a bloody week. Even though I do write up an entire page 'diary' after each visitation so I can remember milestones and food intake, activities we carried out together etc etc

It's just upsetting that the mother of the child would prefer your daughter to bond with daycare workers instead of her own father purely out of spite.

Will keep you updated

Cheers

 

[Migz]

Well, guess what, I am not allowed to see, visit or look after my own daughter whilst I'm on holidays, and the mother is at work for the next 3 days so my daughter continues to be dumped into daycare.

Seriously this whole system needs to change, it's too slow to change, and way too in favour of the Primary Care Giver in this country. And the fact that there are heaps of "single mum" forums online in Australia, yet none for "single dads" to get info from and trash ideas is a disgrace.

So here's what I'm going to do;

1. Contact daycare and make sure she is actually there, and see if I can get a copy of the Daycare Day Report Sheets emailed to me on a weekly basis.

2. Contact Relationships Australia, and ask for us to both go back to mediation to form a proper parenting plan prior to court on the 27th Feb. At least then what isn't agreed to in mediation (again) can be thrashed out in court, ie. access to picking up and dropping off my daughter at daycare.

3. Start work on an Amended Initiating Application (Family Law) that is entirely focused on my daughter.

Cheers

 

[sammy01]

Ok so have a look at mensline.

Yep, there are lots of single mum forums, but I would not worry too much about that. Spend some time looking at them and you'll quickly find they are full of misinformation and sexist man bashing. Misinformation is a dangerous thing, so why worry about it?

Waste of time contacting child care centre. If your name is not down as a carer, then they won't give you info and really what does it matter? But they will tell her that you've been calling and she will get a chuckle out of how she is controlling the situation...

Chances of her agreeing to mediation? Not great... Chances of her agreeing to anything even if she does? Not great... Even if she agrees to anything, there is no obligation to adhere to the agreement.... In short - she might agree to something....until you fart, or say something. Then she will change her mind and you won't see your kid.

Mate it is a game - right now she is winning. BTW right now she also makes all the rules.

Now I'm just putting it out there that you want to think about how you play this stupid game. So for example, what was wrong with agreeing to her parenting plan as an interim measure until you can get to court? I know too late, but just challenging your thinking...

So let's think this through - what might be a better approach? Ask for more time - ask for 5 hours next weekend. Ask for a mid-week visit - you pick kid up from preschool and return to mum - saves her doing the commute? (Don't mention that) But make you spending the time beneficial to her.

See I'm thinking she is paying for the preschool? So if the kid doesn't go, she still has to pay. So there is no benefit for her in you having that time.


So what about Christmas? Did you see the kid?

See I'm thinking she has a case (don't believe her) but her case will be this: She offered you additional holiday time as part of her parenting plan. You said no. She offered you some time at Christmas... See, isn't she nice?

BTW - I got an hour a week with my 8-month-old. I had to pick him up from Maccas and drop him back to Maccas... She would be 30 minutes late. So I'd be sitting at Macca's for 30 minutes waiting and I hated it. I suggested we make the visits 1 1/2 hours. She said nope. I also well and truly knew that if I got there late there would be performances and stupidity. So I understand where you're coming from.

Final thought - mate the system ain't bad. Yep it is slow and maybe there is some logic in that. The longer it goes, the easier it will be for the magistrate to see who the problem is...but you have to get smart at navigating this system.

So what sort of access are you after?