NSW Likely Outcome of Mediation or Court Orders?

[justus3]

Hi all

A quick rundown on my situation. I met someone online 7 yrs back and after meeting up a few times over a space of 2 yrs I fell pregnant. From the day, I told him he constantly harassed and abused me and tried to convince me to abort (and I have kept every text).

My son is now nearly 5 and we have just moved... This "man" is very narcissistic and I am almost absolutely sure he is only now becoming "interested' in our son so that he can find out our new address. I know that sounds farfetched, but I have good reasoning behind this, and also an old friend of his admitted to snooping around at night in my yard with him to a mutual friend. His own mother moved away and didnt disclose her address to him for similar reasons.

He now requested mediation, which I do not want to attend for safety reasons (I am currently trying to seek legal advice on this.) I also do not know how to mediate with someone that has only ever wished me dead and still does and how I am supposed to entrust him with my child?

I have never declined him visitation and he is not on the birth certificate. he has only met my son 3 times and barely spoke to him. I actually feel sorry for this guy. Unfortunately, I don't see him as being consistent in my son's life. He is very unpredictable and his mother also lives in constant fear of his abuse if he finds out we have talked. most recently he threatened to kidnap my child while we slept (which the police told me they could do nothing about).

I have had no problems with the father of my eldest child and everything is mutual (I like to think I'm a fairly easygoing and empathetic person).

So I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation? or if anyone knows what the possibilities of an outcome would be?

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and reply.

One stressed and anxious Mother of 2

 

[sammy01]

Ok so do the mediation. You have a chance to agree to set times where dad sees the kid. That is what you want right? so what is the problem?

 

[Migz]

"he has only met my son 3 times and barely spoke to him"....

1. Do you claim child support from the childs Father?
2. In the 3 times that you have allowed the Father to meet his child, was he abusive towards the child?
3. Just do what every other alienating Mother does, take out a dvo using 5 year old text messages as proof, and walla he's gone, until he takes you Federal Court, that is, and asks the Judge to respect the childs rights and allow him into the childs life.
4. OR You act like a mature adult and email him and ask him what he is actually seeking, and then come to some sort of amicable arrangement that is "in the best interest of the Child"

 

[sammy01]

Hey Migz I know where you're coming from mate... Frankly, the fact that people are prepared to diagnose their ex as narcissistics or what ever is a clear indication. With respect to the original poster, just because you say the dude is narcissistic doesn't mean it is true.

But Migz giving advice on how this person can stop dad seeing the kid is dumb. I'm sure the dad would not appreciate it.

Original poster. At mediation you will be safe. You can insist on being in different rooms. But the fact that dad has asked you to attend mediation indicates he wants to be a part of the kid's life and the kid deserves to know his dad. Your original post hints at the fact that you'd rather not agree for this bloke to see his own kid and that is pretty crook, especially since you have not said that this bloke has ever done anything bad to the kid.

So you never declined him visitation? Well why is he wanting to do mediation, given the purpose of mediation is to discuss when the parents will spend time with the kids. Agree to do the mediation and agree to reasonable access between the dad and the kid. Agree to meet at Macca's so he doesn't come to your house.

 

[justus3]

Ok so do the mediation. You have a chance to agree to set times where dad sees the kid. That is what you want right? so what is the problem?

hi Sammy01

i guess what im asking is would they do supervised visits since he is a complete stranger to us both? he wants to take him overnight and for a whole weekend.
thanks

 

[justus3]

"he has only met my son 3 times and barely spoke to him"....

1. Do you claim child support from the childs Father?
2. In the 3 times that you have allowed the Father to meet his child, was he abusive towards the child?
3. Just do what every other alienating Mother does, take out a dvo using 5 year old text messages as proof, and walla he's gone, until he takes you Federal Court, that is, and asks the Judge to respect the childs rights and allow him into the childs life.
4. OR You act like a mature adult and email him and ask him what he is actually seeking, and then come to some sort of amicable arrangement that is "in the best interest of the Child"

hi Migz

Wow, just wow, i never said the text was five yrs old it is very recent as in 5 weeks ago and threatening my life. also to answer your first question, no i do not claim child support, or anything else from him. i am not an alienating mother either, and my son has chosen to call the male role model he has had as a constant in his life "dad" and this is all on his own. i have never said he doesnt have a dad... when he has asked i always said he has a dad somewhere that loves him im sure but i didnt know where he was. (I dont know where he lives)

so thanks for your reply

 

[sammy01]

so with respect... I do kinda see where Migz is coming from. Re-read your first post. Stuff like this 'man'.... What is the intention of the commas? And again, respectfully, you're not qualified to diagnose someone as narcissistic. So I can see how it would be easly to interpret your post as basically asking us to help you get dad away from his kid.... Now some of us have / are in the middle of a long hard fight just to see our kids. Migz is one of them. So I do get where he is coming from.

So my first suggestion... Mediation has no rules (kinda). The mediators don't make decisions, don't enforce anything. They're just there to help you guys come to an agreement. If that doesn't get achieved then either party can apply to court. So why not do mediation? go on, dare ya... If the guy thinks going straight to 50/50 care next week is reasonable, he is off his rockers, the mediators will probably tell him similar and you're under no obligation to agree. If however, he agrees to a slow introduction of the dad to the kid, over 2-3 months, then re-doing mediation and maybe after 2-3 months agreeing to a sleep over once in a while, well that seems like a good plan. I'd suggest you agree to meet at the local Macca's and do drop off / pick up there. You could insist on meeting at the police station if you wanted... So dad gets 2-3 hours every Saturday for a few weeks, then 4-5 hours... Building slowly.

While you're at mediation, you could bring up the issue of child support. I'll leave you to think about that one. But if the bloke wants to be a dad, then you both should understand that the child support system is there for a reason... However, I'd suggest maybe leaving this off the agenda to start with... You don't want to come across as someone just intent on screwing him over for $$$. It is about being reasonable...

So what I'm suggestion is similar to what I reckon a court is likely to order. Now given there is no actual history of violence here, I don't see the need for a contact centre.

But - you have mentioned threats... Now, I'm just a punter at the end of a keyboard. What do I know? and I only have the version you're offering. If dad has threatened to kill you. I know I said a few poorly chosen words to my ex somewhere along the way. Copped a few from the ex too... But if they are recent, if they are via text message then why didnt you go to the cops? you should have. Threatening to kill someone is criminal behaviour...

Now you also mentioned dad breaking in and taking the kid and the cops doing nothing... Hell no. Firstly, that is break and enter. But let's hang on a minute. You did say that you've NEVER declined dad access... But in my experience dad's saying stuff like that only happens when one parent is refusing access? So I'm a bit cynical.... But I want to make sure you understand the next bit, so pay attention. Right now, there is NO AGREEMENT. So yep dad could pick the kid up from school or what ever and refuse to return him. Very very bad idea for dad in the long term... But one thing at a time. But if you do mediation and have an agreement and dad broke that agreement by steeling the kid away, well that written agreement would be a handy thing to have. True.

Short version... Dad wants to see the kid. That is why he is applying for mediation. You can play along and make it happen... After all you did say you've never declined access. True? So did you mean it? OR you can be difficult and do everything you can to stop the kid from seeing his dad. But I'm not gonna give you any help in achieving that objective.

Final thought. I think making sensible arrangements for a bloke who clearly wants to spend time iwh the kid is the right thing for you to do