QLD Family Court Orders - Chances of Relocating with Children?

[Meg3]

I complained to police over a very valid physical and emotional abuse. I didn't originally because he had me so scared and it wasn't the first time it has happened and I wanted to believe he wouldn't do it again. However, we were already separated and I was 30 weeks pregnant and could no longer ignore it.

Like I said, his response was to make a cross application. Even the police prosecutor couldn't believe he was awarded a temporary at the time but he knew I wouldn't afford to defend it further so he got his way with it and go away with it. It makes me look stupid I know. But feeding my family had to be a priority rather than protecting myself.

He has never touched the children and I don't feel like I need to include DOCS. However, I can't keep living this way financially or emotionally. If you have a similar story, I'm sure you would understand that. Even as we speak I have been receiving emails from both my ex and his partner full of false accusations and emotional blackmail about my mothering and how he isn't scared of the repercussions of court over anything he says or does because he states he thinks I'm weak and won't go through with it.

Our children are caught up in a horrible nasty situation and I don't believe it's in their best for this to continue. I do believe me moving, being able to work and survive without the anxiety of financial worry as well as distancing the ever building cycle of hate and disruption and allow it to calm down is more in their best interest than anything at all.

I guess I attempted to tell half the story in order to ask what are my chances of this happening which is not possible to know or guarantee. I guess I was also looking for a reply from anyone who has been successful to assess and compare the reality of mine as I am well aware of the personal emotion involved and is seemingly self fulfiling prophecies.

 

[Trinch13]

Hi Meg3, I don't normally comment on these post but I felt I needed to reach out to you. This is not intended to be legal advice.

Please, organise Mediation with your children's father and make sure you are clear and you know exactly what you want to gain and get from mediation. If it's being able to move because of job prospects then you will need a plan as to when and how the children will see their father.

Moving into another career another than teaching seems like a ridiculous scenario if you ask me. If you're a teacher then that is where you will be concentrating on finding a job. Don't be afraid to mediate and tell them before you mediate that you want a shuttle mediation (you don't want to be in the same room as him). Abusers are very good at intimidating. An abuser is very good at carrying themselves in a way to make their victims weak and defenceless just by being in their vicinity they don't even have to say anything.

Are you keeping a record of all of your correspondence between yourself and your ex and also keeping a detailed diary of any phone correspondence, text messages etc and any breaches in current orders? Please make sure you are so that you have that if mediation fails and you need to go to court.

Also, we cannot control the way the other parent "parents" their child or children. It's hard but you've got to find a way to let that go. If the children aren't in danger then if he want to parent a certain way that's different to yours then so be. However, if your child's health is in danger you will need to contact a Lawyer or Legal Aid and get some advice and then maybe write a letter to him in legal terms.

One other thing. if you're constantly being harassed by your ex you need to put an end to it by seeking a DVO. Or you need to start putting some boundaries in place. Have you thought about counselling?

Just a thought as I've been in a similar situation as you and it's taken me almost 4 years to be strong enough to stand up to my ex. The first time I set up some boundaries between myself and my ex he tried to commit suicide. My ex still tries to control me. We have parenting orders in place and he keeps changing the times and days for the changeover. It's hard to say no when you're afraid of someone.

Anyway, bottom line is to let go and let the other parent parent how they see fit; it might not always be the way we'd hope for our children. Mediation is the way to go. And try putting some boundaries place with your ex.

Good luck.

 

[Meg3]

Thank you.

I have tried mediation and he denied the invitation. Yes, I have had to learn to let go of the parenting that happens while in their care too but it's very hard when my children relay stories that or start calling me names they have heard from him. Very derogatory things but no proof of off the cuff comments and conversations and very young children who don't even understand what they are saying to me. He is very clever with wording and making individual correspondence seem fairly ordinary but when you string together threads and days and months worth of contradictory stories and conversations it's very clear the narcissistic nature he has and the motivation behind each email and text.

I've tried the DVO. Truth is, as long as I am near him and he can manipulate the orders and changeovers etc he will.

The main urge other than financial hardship to relocate is also for this reason and because for the first time, I did stand up to him and said to his 'Order' for me to have the children over the whole Easter holidays because he will be holidaying overseas. I said I would do it if he compensated me for extras days due to my tight budget. I also said this due to the constant changes he makes (all for less time with him). He now is doing things like accusing me of asking him for financial rewards for having my own children extra time, saying I simply don't care and don't want them. All hypocritical and untrue of course it's plain to see his attempt at reverse emotional blackmail playing out. But I fear this stuff alone won't help get me protection from him, I've been failed there before.

 

[Trinch13]

Meg3, you need to be really strong. You've tried mediation and that's failed then your only option is to go to court to see if you can move. You can self represent on this one. I know it feels like a big mountain to climb but arm yourself with heaps of information.

Call Women's Legal Services they are helpful and give very good info. It's not always want we want to hear but at least you know what your up against. I know everything seems like there's no hope right now but you are thinking with your emotional brain and not your logical brain. You need to find a way to cut your emotional ties with your ex.

It's hard work and I'm not fully there yet either. But the sooner you take your feelings out of this and think of your children's the better off you will be. Being financially dependent on someone else sucks. If he's paying child support then that's all he has to do. And my recommendation is, do not ask for any more financial help from him as he will use this to control you. Do not allow him to chop and change or deviate away from the Parenting Orders that are in place.

If he gives you no choice such as the fact that he's going overseas; write it down. Write it down in the exact way its happening that you haven't agreed to this because that's him contravening orders. Stick with the Orders as much as you can and remind him that he's contravening them. Or you just come to an agreement.

Parenting Orders should help with the conflict if you both can stick to it. Make sure you are getting all your entitlements from Centrelink. Try to find a church somewhere if you can that gives out free food or cheap food with health care card. They are out there you just have to find them. Buy cheaper food, cut back where you can, sell something. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride. Only talk to your ex when you have to regarding your children. Ignore all other messages that aren't with regards to your children. And if he's bad mouthing you to your children then write it down in a diary. You will never stop it.

Is there something in your parenting orders that state that parties should not degenerate the other parent? If there is remind him of what's in the orders but keep a record of this. Do not ask for any more money. Keep records of everything don't worry about what he's accusing you of he's the one that wanted to go overseas when it was his turn to have his children. When he does want something from you don't respond straight away get legal advice before you do so you are armed with the correct information to go back at him with. You just need a bit of empowering right now.

Get in there and take the bull by the horns so to speak. Put your children's interests first and if you think moving is your best option then you have to take him to court. Right now he's still controlling you but you must think of your kids. You aren't with him anymore you have kids together that's it.