VIC Ex Provoking Son to Breach Intervention Order?

[twowrongs]

Hi my son has had an Intervention order put on him.

It's probably the best thing really as he now dosen't have to see the ex when they drop their child off to each other - my husband and I do this for our son. Part of the order is for no contact between each other unless it is for handover for their son's care, but the ex is constantly ringing and messaging my son over silly things concerning thier son and most time its not to do with handover.

In fact, the other day she had rang and messaged my son most of day - and of course, my son answers the call in case it's an emergency for their child - but then she rants on. He believes she is trying to provoke him and get him angry as this is what she does so that then she can report him - but it's not ok for him to verbally abuse her but she can do it to him

What would you suggest for our son to do, please?

 

[SamanthaJay]

Take out his own intervention order against her. Have her only able to contact him via you and your husband and have listed in the IO, which means she is allowed to contact you about, i.e. the child's well-being and drop off/pick up arrangements.

 

[sammy01]

What state are you in? What is the exact wording of the AVO?

Story time...

I was in the same boat. My ex even pulled this one - I answered phone, told her I can't talk to her. She said - that is right, but I had better listen. I hung up.

So I go to the cops. Have a chat about all these messages and calls that I didn't answer. Copper calls her up. Tells her that she applied for an AVO and she requested there be a no contact order. So text messages were ok, but only if they relate to the kids. So the cops threatened to take her to court for breach of the AVO because the rules applied to her too. Copper did say he probably could not really do anything, but it scared her away.

I disagree with taking an AVO against her. Just makes things messy, it will upset her and you don't need that.

But - he should not answer...

Story time 2.

Ex keeps calling from payphones. My mate answers, she keeps changing the place where he is meant to meet to pick up the kid. She has an AVO on him... He calls her mobile a few times, she doesn't answer, just keeps calling him from payphones to change location.

He is driving around from place to place based on her info and she is never there. He calls her mobile several times leaving nasty messages as he gets madder and madder because this is insane... She takes the messages to the cops and he spends a month in jail - warning

He must not answer the phone. He can text her and say 'please don't call me as I won't answer. Please text message only. Thanks'.

 

[AllForHer]

If he believes he is being provoked, then his best course of action is not to be provoked.

Are there parenting orders in place for care of the kids?

 

[twowrongs]

sammy1

My son answers the call in case it's an emergency for his son - but when she gets on there, she calls him names under the sun and we know she is setting him up as she knows this will aggravate him.

My son will hang up, but then she keeps messaging him not regarding the handover times. It's just silly things about their son. She is constantly bothering him at work. She is playing a game and we do not trust her one bit. It's all a game to set our son up.

The other day, my son asked her to drop our grandson back to our place between 5 - 5.30 as she took him out for the day. She went on like a pork chop about time. She later messaged my son at 4.30 to say she will be dropping my grandson off at 5 pm. When she dropped my grandson back to us as meeting point, she then messaged him to say 'just dropped grandson off'.

The next day, in another of her rants to me, I said why do you have to keep messaging my son, you said you were dropping child of at 5, so why did you have to message?

Her answer was - to prove a point.

So if that is not a game, what is?

 

[AllForHer]

That may well be her game, but your son is responsible for how he responds to it.

Are there parenting orders in place for care of the child?

 

[sammy01]

I feel for you. I really do... I have been there. I don't want your son to go as crazy as I did... I reached a point where I could barely walk/ drive past an ATM without withdrawing money. Each time it costs about $2.00 or more. So why did I do that? Madness. But at the time, I was getting called to the cop shop for stupid allegations of breach of avo. I figured if I had receipts showing I was somewhere else at the time she claims I was near her, that might help. It was irrational thinking. But it shows how crazy her antics were causing me to behave...

So all you're gonna get here is help from folk about how to manage the nonsense. I reached a point where I got a second phone. I informed all my friends of the new number but not the ex. So I had one phone for her that I kept mostly switched off and my normal rationale phone...

So time to think some things through... Does he really need to be accessible to her while he is at work? Does he really need that distraction? The chance of a real urgent emergency in comparison to BS from a crazy person is relatively low - and it isn't his job to jump every time she texts / calls.

The best thing you all can do is to not respond, or if you must respond, wait. Take your time. Make her wait. The faster you respond, the more you're fuelling her craziness... So she is out to 'prove a point'. OK. Don't play along, play your own game... The point she is trying to make is that she is the boss here. It must be awfully tempting to text back and say that the only point she has proven is that she is an idiot, but don't.

Next - if this winds up in family court she wins. If she can prove that there is high conflict. This sucks. It really does. If she wants to keep the kid away from dad, the best thing she can do is cause conflict. He must not respond.

Look - you've probably got enough to go to the cops and get an avo against her - but don't. He said, she said just gets boring and shows conflict and you don't want that...

Short responses via email / text - simple things. Stuff like, just confirming dropping off child at 4pm. Thanks.

Or go over the top. Stuff like many thanks... It all makes you and your son seem civilised and it shows her that you're not biting. That will annoy her even more. Don't play her game.

Rant over.

BTW - I had an AVO, I had claims of this and that. I got called to the cop shop several times to be 'warned'. So I know... Oh and my kids live with me these days... They see there mum for about 12 weeks a year...

 

[twowrongs]

Hi sammy01.

Thanks heaps for all your help. It's good to hear from someone else who has been in very similar situation being a bloke. I'm all for the blokes to get a fair deal as many do not get that - and these women who drive them crazy with all the BS.

At times we start to think are we exaggerating things, but I think we have worked her out very well - many times, she is on the phone to us as the grandparents then has a go at us and raves on so I just hang up.

I can see how our son got very agitated with her and retaliated back verbally ( and don't get me wrong, this is not ok ) but when she is raving onto me, she just gets up your nose and gggrrrrr. Our son 90 % of time hangs up on her or does not answer calls or messages, but then she rings us. She is one of these people who have their mobile as a umbilical cord if someone doesn't answer the message or call in a split second she keeps ringing or message.

I agree with you in respect to not jump to her calls or messages as you say the chances of a great emergency is low.

She also records every phone call, and she knows that my son does not have this app on his phone and this is why I'm sure she is verbally abusing him knowing he has no record - to me he really needs to get that app on for his protection, I think.

I am glad you have your kids. You seem like a descent father who is going through the same S##T

 

[twowrongs]

Hi AllForHer

No, there are no parenting orders in place.

 

[twowrongs]

Hi Sammy01

Sorry, in your previous post you asked what was the exact wording in Intervention Order.

Defendant must not contact or communicate with the protected person, either directly or indirectly in any way ( inlcuding phone letter card sms or messages ) save and except for access and handover of the child, such contact to be made by phone or sms only.

There are other details, but that is the one about contact. But in all this says nothing about protected person doing the same. Where do they get off?

We are in South Australia