QLD Splitting School Holidays - Options?

[Simong]

Hi,

I need some help or some direction.

I have primary care of the kids and we have built up to splitting the school holidays over the past year. The long school holidays have proved a nightmare with the ex changing the court ordered day of collection and exchange to fit in with his partner's kids' exchange dates. This has resulted in my lawyer writing to him but he doesn't really care. We are a domestic violence case and it's a case of power and control.

It's resulted in him keeping the children for extra nights to force the schedule to what he wants. We have paid thousands for family court orders which was done by consent but the father can't stick to what he agreed in court.

We usually use school as a point of exchange... and use police station outside of school ie holidays.

I know I can take him to family court for contravention but it's all money I don't have so the court order is in effect pretty useless.

I am thinking of going back to family court so that I can make the order understandable to people of all mental capabilities and perhaps with direct consequences for make up time/forfeit time.

What I am really after are suggestions for splitting the long school holidays... if the children were older, I would do 3 weeks there and 3 weeks with me so that there is only one exchange taking place outside of school...

However, the kids are too young (6 and 5), plus there have been investigations into physical abuse in the home with CPS and police involvement before. I think it would affect the children in a negative way...and I would worry for them being away that long and what could be covered up.

Any other way I can split long holidays where I limit the exchanges? Problem is Christmas is in there too so we have to exchange for that

Would love suggestions

Thank you

 

[sammy01]

Your gonna hate the first half...

So you've mentioned concerns about violence / abuse at his house... That being the case you have two options:

1) Refuse to send kids because of the fears...
2) Accept that your concerns have been raised / explored but are not deemed grounds to stop the kids seeing dad.

What you can't do is what you appear to be doing - which is, saying that the dad has to follow your holiday schedule because of your concerns about violence. Same with DV - it was in the past and has nothing to do with future school holidays.

Now as far as his mental capacity and getting orders that any fool can understand - nope, ain't gonna happen. Same as going back to court. Waste of time, but maybe he is smarter than you think. Maybe he is just playing with you and he won. But I'll get back to this later...

So how many extra nights did he keep the kids for? While I'm at it, how many nights a year does he have the kids? I'm gonna continue and I'm gonna assume he has 5 a fortnight and half the holidays... So that is about 38% care...

So I hope you're not gonna hate the rest of my answer.

Yep, you're probably right 3 weeks straight is probably to long away in one stint, but it isn't gonna kill them. It isn't even gonna cause them enough psychological damage to need therapy when they're older... And next year, they will be a bit older...

Look, it is far from ideal but it is a bloody good compromise. And given your main concern seems to be both the stress of change overs and arguments about when they happen, well frankly, minimising those stresses will have a positive impact on you and that will help the kids.

BTW I'm in the same boat - don't see the kids again until 28th January... It is killing me... sigh.

Oh and 3 weeks straight has other benefits. Kids springing from house to house every week sucks - it is disruptive for the kids and causes heaps more arguments about clothes, etc...

Look we used to split Christmas day. I hated it.... Kids get presents here and then leave. But no matter what you do, there will be arguments. I bet my ex is better at it than yours. I'm a teacher - so depending on the way the wind went, student free days would be included as my holiday time because the ex knew I'd be at work.

Sometimes the ex would decide the holidays started on the Friday, the Saturday, or the Monday after school breaks up. The holidays might end on the Friday before school resumes and every time it meant less time with me. There would be arguments about the time of pick up/ drop off... So even with orders, that clearly stated the location and the time, somehow the ex ensure that I'd be spending an hour or so waiting at McDonald's for the kids.

Now - go make a nice cup of herbal tea before continuing...

Lt it go. - I have no more legal advice, just some musings from someone who has had their head bent this way and that by similar crazy. So you know how I wrote earlier that he won... Well, he did. So you have to learn to change that dynamic.

Now, I'm assuming you're the primary carer? So you have heaps more time with the kids anyways

True - so you've won that one.

Next - Your kids spending time with their step siblings is good - encourage that.

But most importantly - courts won't help. So - let's pretend that you sort mediation and he agrees. He was in the wrong and you walk away happy knowing he won't do it again. Great. Then he does it again. Now the only person who is losing here is you because you're the one getting upset (rightly so) but it ain't helping, is it...

Final thought - if this was a weekly occurrence then the opinion would be different. It isn't, it is just during school holidays. Let him have an extra night or three - you have a hell of a long road ahead of you with this guy, so do what you can to be the better person. Your blood pressure and your kids will thank you for it later.

 

[Simong]

Hi Thanks so much for taking time to reply.

I'm not saying he has to follow the orders because of my dv concerns... but simply because the orders clearly state times he should have them- he just refuses to stick to the orders. My lawyer has written to him stating he needs to follow the orders he doesn't care..I get what you are saying that eont change

All I actually want to do is follow the orders and not have to communicate with him about things that should not have to be talked about

I have two other kids to think of too who ask where their siblings are...

So far on two occasions he has held them for four extra nights, he failed to pick them up twice (once at start of school holidays and our court order clearly states he collects from school on last day of term...)

Both children are already seeing a psych because of the issues so not worried about them needing help when older- they are already there

I think I am leaning towards just splitting the long holidays and alternating years (so both get a turn at Christmas) but feel kids are too young at present

Will keep thinking!

Thank you!

 

[sammy01]

OK so look I do get it...

So how much did that letter from solicitor cost you?

Pick your battles...

Cheers

 

[Corinne]

How is 5 and 6 too young?

My partner has a 5 year old son. Him and his ex have orders written up for every second weekend, 10 days and 10 nights over end of term school holidays and half of the end of year holidays. We've just had him for three weeks. Before the orders existed, they exchanged on Christmas day after lunch, but that was annoying and so the orders stipulate alternating Christmas day.

However this Christmas just gone, my partner took their son to meet up with his mum a couple of days before christmas so she could give him his present etc. That's not in the orders and he didn't have to do that, but it's all about compromise. The orders are generally just a guide.

If you're that fearful of abuse then you really shouldn't be sending them there at all or the visits should be supervised. The judge will take into account all of the unsupervised visits you've allowed him so far, and deem the children safe in his care.

Be careful about taking it back to court. If it's over something silly like a few extra nights here and there the judge probably won't be impressed and you'd potentially be up for a costs order against you.

In fact the judge probably wouldn't look at the case at all. You can update orders via consent, but to go back before a judge to change the orders you need to meet the Rice and Asplund rule.

 

[Simong]

Yes, this was my point above - getting a court order was pretty pointless as is having one - because from the comments you don't have to follow it anyway. Thousands of dollars wasted- no point in wasting more.

So I agree there probably isn't much point in going back to court - and I will just have to consider over ways to get round the holiday problems. Which we have come up with now thank goodness

And if having extra nights here and there isn't a problem I presume it works both ways for both parties (so again court order is completely pointless).

Thank you for your comments