VIC Separating with Ex - Terrified of 50/50 Custody of Children

[WAmum]

Help needed please :'(

(Situated is in Vic)

It appears our 15-year marriage is ending and with 4 children ranging from 7-14, I am shattered. I am also terrified. I gave up my career and am no longer qualified to have and raise our babies. I am very close to the kids as I've always been able to be here 24/7 to do everything our family needed me to do.

He wants 50/50 shared care and custody of children. He has always worked full time and chose this. In a very well paying job.

I am constantly nauseous at the thought of only having my children with me week on, week off.

I don't have employment as I've needed to be here at home (as decided by husband). Our kids have quite expensive sports at which they excel. I don't know how the heck I am meant to have to pay for 50/50 without income.

Please help, I'm terrified of the emotional aspect of this and also the financial

 

[Lance]

Hi,

Don't stress too much. We share 50:50 custody of my stepson with his biological father. I remember the first times he stayed with his father, he was three and my Wife would go into his room and cry. It's hard because its different and you are used to seeing them all the time. Take the time they are away to focus on you.

If I can suggest something look at studying and maybe get that qualification back or study something you always wanted to...maybe Law. Just joking but you will need to be busy or you will dwell on them not being there 50% of the time. The 50:50 shared custody also doesn't mean 50:50 shared costs. The maintenance / child support is means tested and if you don't have income coming in but your ex does then it will be balanced out.

You should speak to someone about child support and they will calculate it. This website will basically help you work out how much you will get. Working out child support payments using the basic formula - Australian Government Department of Human Services

Because he works full time, is it in the kids best interest to have 50:50 shared care? I'm just throwing it out there. If you both agree and the kids want that then that's fine, but a lot of full time working Dads spend a lot of time away.

My own stepson spends at least some of his time at his grandmother's because his father works some nights. You might want to consider mediation to talk through the parenting agreement and then you can formalise the arrangement with a parenting plan.

Just because he wants 50:50 doesn't mean it should happen that way, but its probably reasonable and the kids are getting to an age when they can have a say, the eldest anyway.

This link will give you some information about parenting plans: If you agree on parenting arrangements - Family Court of Australia

I hope I have been able to alleviate some of your fears. Don't stress too much and please take some time for you.

 

[sammy01]

So there is one thing you didn't mention... You didn't mention that the kids were in any sort of negative environment with dad... Look - I reckon a reasonable compromise is 5 a fortnight...

Stay calm, ask lots of questions here. I'll give you one. Can you get spousal maintenance? Maybe, in fact, quite likely. So what was your line of work before?

Time to start looking into re-training options...

 

[WAmum]

Thanks Lance & Sammy,

I think you do have very good help, I guess it's just awfully hard putting it into action. Keeping busy I think I am def going to have to focus on. I suffer badly from anxiety so I am truly not looking forward to this all going ahead.

Sadly the whole 50/50 demand is more a case of him getting what is half his. I wish I could say this will be an amicable split but I know that when defensive or angry he will go for straight for the jugular and get everything he can and more if he could. This will definitely not be a time for him giving a hoot as to how I will cope (financially/emotionally etc). He either likes you or he hates you - no in between.

I know with him working full time, 50/50 means that his extended family will have to help him out - which makes me feel even sicker. They've had nothing to do with us and have nothing but malice and nasty comments to make about me. The kids hate it. Yep I am the horrible woman who took their son away and we didn't conform to all of their expectations and rules.

Of course the fact that he made the decisions also, doesn't count. They'll be sitting there rubbing their hands with glee to know we are separating. I hate that my kids will be around that and hear everything that will be said - they've gone a long way to run me down for years - I hate to know what my children are going to be brainwashed with.

He is not a danger to the kids at all. In fact, apart from his anger toward me and the fact that he voices his every thought - good bad and ugly in front of the kids - he is not a bad parent. He adores the kids and for the most part, they do too.

The kids want to stay together of course. I wouldn't have it any other way. It just doesn't help that 1-2 of them have voiced that they do not want 50/50. He has threatened to take this to court to ensure he gets 50/50. I do not want courts involved as the money situation for me will be bad enough, let alone forking out a fortune for that. I can see though that he will bully his way to get whatever he wants - and he has the money behind him.

My previous career is not agreeable to be a single parent - even with a 50/50 arrangement- so I guess that ones done and dusted for now.

Any more advice help on any of this would be awesome. It scares the hell out of me going head to head with him. Is this what the next 40'years will be like?

 

[sammy01]

OK so it is a long haul.. So some of the kids have said no to 50/50. So - in court, a child over the age of 12 will have their opinion heard... Doesn't mean they get to decide where they live, but they have a voice...

Do where are you up to? Living in the family home? Has he moved out?

Look calling Relationships Australia is probably a good start.

 

[Lance]

Look Sammy is right on it.

The other thing to remember is, just because he wants 50:50 doesn't mean that is in the best interest of the children, especially noting you have been the primary full time carer their entire life. You might want to consider discussing this with a lawyer at legal aid.

 

[Hoang Trang]

Poor you. I'm a father who had care of my two young children for over 1.5 years. I am a devoted father who gave up everything to be with them. Then suddenly had no contact for 2 months and now 3 nights a week.

Although I have no legal advise or qualifications as a parent I feel your pain. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep and lock myself in my bedroom. It's odd coming from a father but my kids were young at the time of separation and I became their father and mother at the same time. Keep yourself busy and read and learn. There are some great people on here who will help you.

Always put your kids best interest first. Things will get better

 

[Danstar]

Even with shared care, you will be entitled to at minimum half of what you guys have as you were at home caring for your children while he was working. It's still considered half his money is yours too.

I was working full time (and still am), have my kids full time and my ex is still entitled to 30-40% of what we had when we were together. As the Judge said to me the other day. Unfortunately common sense does not prevail in the legal system.

 

[Hoang Trang]

Jesus ouch! Are you receiving child support?

 

[Danstar]

Jesus ouch! Are you receiving child support?

In 3 years she has made 3 payments. There was a good stretch of 6 months when she had to pay $30 a month. She's owing around $5000 right now. I think I have more luck of winning lotto then the Child Support Agency actually doing anything about it.