NSW Make Allegations of Child Sexual Abuse Under Family Law?

[bert gaston]

Hi there,

My ex and I are throwing hand grenades at each other on a daily basis. We are separated under one roof and are speaking mainly through text and email which consists mostly of making allegations and counter allegations via email.

With school holidays coming up, my wife wants to take my kids (9&12) to visit her brother in Perth. I am concerned as when my eldest was 1 and we visited her brother, her brother asked if he could bathe with my son. The next day, when I was bathing with my son, he got on his hands and knees and wiggled his bum at me, then turned around, inserted his finger in my anus and said, "Uncle (name)"

When I raised this with my wife afterwards, she became very angry and accused me of being paranoid and of sexually abusing my own son. I could understand it must be a shock, but do not take me seriously I found quite disturbing, particularly as there has been a very long and shocking history of neglect and child sexual abuse in her family (the worst happening to my ex, but involving other members of the family) that resulted in a trial and a prison sentence for the perp.

Anyway, now we are discussing arrangements for the holidays and I want to stipulate that her brother is not to be alone with the children. How do I go about doing this? Should I air my concerns in private or over email? Should I restate the incident as it happened?

I don't have a lawyer and realise this is a very serious allegation. What should I do in this situation? I don't have a lawyer and there isn't anything online about what to do? Any help under Family Law would be appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[sammy01]

You're not gonna like the answer... Do nothing. You can't stipulate that she does this or that with someone who has no criminal record. Look things are messy for you right now and you need to look big picutre.

I'm guessing uncle has been near the kids since this incident?

Rigth now you don't need to be causing hostility.

Let me put this another way... Can you stop the ex from going? No. Who can? A court... But with no criminal convictions from uncle, they're not going to enforce anything and you won't get into court before next year anyway... So what is being achieved by having this fight? more fighting and you need to start thinking LONG TERM. And I fail to see how this fight is gonna help your cause long term.

Sure, I get your anxieties... Trust me I do... But let me emphasise the point. NO CRIMINAL CONVICTION. UNCLE NOT ON CHILD PROTECTION REGISTER? Then you've got nothing.

Mate your concern should be whether or not she is gonna bring the kids back...

Right now - your job is to minimise conflict with the ex. Look for solutions and reasons not to fight. Losing a few fights now, better still not having them and just agreeing and being reasonable/co-operative etc, is a much better long-term strategy.

Mate, offer to drive her to the airport - while you're there see how you go at suggesting you take the kids away for a week when they get back so they have someone on one time with you.

Final thing - It is pointless trying to get any stipulation on ANYTHING that is not readily enforceable... Let me give you an example. My court orders said that the ex had to offer me time with the kids if she was unable to supervise them. She rarely ever did. The kids would tell me about sleepovers with their aunty, play dates with the neighbour, etc... The kids would tell me that mum was going to work. So she was clearly breaching the court orders. But is it really worth taking that to court?

Rant over

 

[Scruff]

I agree with Sammy in that the horse has pretty much bolted - at least for now anyway. If you try to take any action now, it will look like a vendetta against the wife, rather than an allegation against the uncle. The obvious question that will be asked is "if this really happened, then as a father, why didn't you report it at the time?" You may have a very good answer to that question, but given your current situation, I doubt anyone will listen - it's going to "look" like you're making this up just to get at the wife.

I would suggest that if you still have concerns about uncle rock spider (and you should), then when they get back, get some one on one time with each kid (separately) and ask how their holiday was. Get into detail and "carefully" see if anything raises any new suspicions. By "carefully", I mean don't be direct or obvious about what you're doing - always assume that the kids will bring up the conversation with mum at some point, so try not to throw any more fuel on that particular fire. Whatever you do, don't be direct and then say "don't tell mum about this." You know what kids are like.

If you end up with any solid suspicions that something is still happening, or that there may have even been other incidents in the past, then you should act and report it to the Police. Unfortunately with the little you have at the moment, how long ago it occurred and your current situation, it would likely work against you to act on that alone at the moment and it may also make it harder to take action if you do eventually find something new to act on.

Obviously, it would have been best to act at the time, but what's done is done. It's a tough situation to be in, so all you can do now is to be smart with how you go about it.

 

[bert gaston]

Thanks for your advice. I don't like it, you're right, but there's nothing I can do it seems.

I have two in-laws in Perth and we regularly swap notes about our unhappiness in our marriages. They are all suffering from abuse in the marriages. I asked one of my in-laws to just keep an eye on things and if there's any suggestion that the Uncle babysit or be alone with the kids then to step in and volunteer. He said he would. He's a good bloke. That's all I can do I guess.

She will definitely bring the kids back. She offloads them to me as much as she can.

What scares me the most is that there is a long, long history of horrific CSA and DV in the family and am worried about cycles of abuse.

I have a lot of anger towards her for the years of abuse I have suffered through. It is manifesting a lot lately. We are separated under one roof so the tension is palpable, although I am learning to let go of it, especially considering how damaging it may be to my case, which is very good otherwise.

Anyway, thanks again, and good luck with your own problems. I hope they are resolved down the track.

Cheers

 

[bert gaston]

Thanks Scruff. Yes it will look like a vendetta. I've fallen into that trap a few times already.

As I said, I did report it to her, but she brushed me. I felt so powerless in the marriage, and the counter-accusation that I did it really rattled me, so to take it further didn't occur to me. I was upset and bewildered that it was ignored given what's happened to the family in the past.

I thought the way it went down with my son, the way he "disclosed" by re-enacting the incident, was reassuring that any future abuse would be disclosed. We have a very tight bond so am pretty sure that if anything happened he will let me know. His mother really drills that child protection stuff into him because of her past, to the point where it's become kind of weird in itself. I'm confident he would tell one or both of us.

Thanks again guys. Good luck with everything you're going through.
CHeers.

 

[sammy01]

mate I'm not ignoring the severity of the situation... But your kids are a lot older now...