NSW Family Law - Trouble with Facetime Communications with Ex

[Mia.Mia]

Facetime occurs once a week (once a week as tha'ts all his busy life can fit in) if the dad isn't busy. Every other week, the dad doesn't answer at the scheduled time and doesn't ever give a reason why. i normally say to my son, "Oh, daddy just text and said he's very sick. He's sorry and he loves you."

I'm having huge trouble with my 3-year-old wanting to talk to the father. My son screams, hits, kicks and pinches when I say it's time to talk to daddy. When I manage to get him to sit, he won't look at his father and barely talks.

I've tried to talk about this with him in the days leading up to Facetime that he can tell his dad about this and how happy his dad will be to hear these things. I prompt him during the call when he won't talk, telling him to tell his dad about X, but my son screams at me saying "no" or I don't directly talk to the father but I will speak to my son about something we have done or something new he's learnt hoping it will encourage him to talk to dad.

I now even bribe him that we will have a treat or play his fave game to just talk to his father and he won't.

The dad is becoming very rude and impatient during Facetime. He yells at his son when he won't talk to him. I don't say anything during the call, as in the past, the father used Facetime to yell and scream at me and therefore, I don't want to put my son back in that environment. I did a while ago send him a text saying that his yelling and getting grumpy isn't helping. I said maybe he needs to talk to his son more about what he does during the day.

He replied with that's me trying to find out about his personal life. I said, "tell him about something at work or a show you watched, read him a book, show him your dogs or make it up for all I care." I got told to f off. So now he's trying to make as if I'm not encouraging his relationship with his son and it's my fault our son won't talk to him.

The last few days he gets on Facetime and is just grumpy right from the start. Then my son will just get up and walk away, come back and hang up on him. When I ask him why he doesn't want to talk to dad, he just screams at me. I don't know what to do anymore.

The father lives on the other side of the country and doesn't want much visits. When he does have face-to-face contact, my son is super happy to see his dad but over Facetime, he has no interest. I know this isn't much of a family law question but I don't know what to do anymore, especially when my ex is saying it's my fault and using terms like "I'm denying him of his meaningful relationship". I'm not - I'm doing everything I can to support and grow that bond.

Thank you

 

[Hayder Shkara]

Mia from what it sounds like, you are definitely not depriving the father of a meaningful relationship. If anything, it sounds like you are very concerned and very thoughtful when it comes to trying to assist their relationship and bond.

I'm not a parent myself but im sure other parents here can give you some advice as to how to help interest your son to use face time. Maybe it's something that will just come with patience and older age.

 

[AllForHer]

As noted above, this is more some personal advice rather than legal guidance.

The first thing you should consider doing is not telling your son about the phone calls in the days preceding. If dad isn't always available to talk, all you're doing is getting his hopes up to be let down. If dad takes the call, great, but if not, at least your son doesn't know any different.

The child is probably frustrated with phone calls because he doesn't have the cognitive ability yet to understand what's expected of him, so I think it's important to focus on conducting the calls in an age-appropriate manner. Most three-year-olds aren't very good at phone calls because there's no visual stimulation so they get bored easily, and they have relatively short memories, so they can't talk in great detail about their day-to-day activities. For this age, Dad could read him a picture book over FaceTime or draw pictures to show each other.

I think a lot of your influence over how dad conducts phone calls (and remember, it's his responsibility, not yours, no matter what he claims) will come down to how you communicate it. Saying "Being grumpy isn't helping" is probably less effective than "Hey, X has started painting at kindy, I was thinking maybe you and he could paint pictures during FaceTime so he could show you his work?"

Also, perhaps it would be better for dad to initiate the call to his son, rather than you initiating it. That way, there's no hurt feelings when the phone goes to dad's message bank.

 

[MartyK]

It's a very tricky situation you are in Mia and I agree that you certainly appear to be trying to do all you can think of to encourage your son to interact more with his father during those Facetime calls.

I can only say keep doing what you are doing, and persisting, and perhaps try a few of the additional ideas AllForHer has mentioned.

Unfortunately, children do not always want to speak, it's just the way it is. My kids, who are much older than your son, have always had complete phone liberty etc with both myself and their other parent. This does not mean, however, that now that they are older, or even when they were younger, that they always took this freedom up or wanted to chat for long.

I found, and still find, that they tended to be least distracted and more engaged with the conversations when the calls were made partly on their terms. Meaning, during periods where they were not busy with other things.

But then, your situation is a bit different, given Facetime is the only real opportunity your son has to continue a regular connection with his father, given dad lives a distance away.

Good Luck

 

[Trying2bfair]

Hey Mia, I'm in a similar situation but not as aggressive.

My son's father lives in another county now and what I've found is he went from long 45min Skype's once a week to now 15 min Skype's every two weeks and no time outside the set time to speak to our son.

I never tell our son he is talking to dad unless it like a minute before because I don't want him to feel abandoned (but he does). My son also pulls the not talking and his dad does not get that he is hurt and trying to make him work for affection from him, he is testing his dad to love him despite being "difficult" , of course he does doesn't get it because he isn't pandering to him and hangs up on him!

He is a twat!

But I've learnt no amount of me saying anything does anything because he hates me, I just need to be there for my son. I talk him through his emotions, I reassure him he is soooooo loved
Unfortunately your son like mine is at an age where processing this is tough!

But you do need to help him acknowledge he is feeling hurt and frustrated, but also guide him to a solution, your mad a daddy? Yeah, that's understandable, but daddy does love you, he wants to hear you talk about your day.

It's really really tough and you have to really really stay on the positive side for the sake of your son, but I totally understand. Now when my sons dad hangs up on him I acknowledge his hurt and then I change his focus to something he loves.

It's really tough, just stay strong for your boy, he acts out to test your love too, he wants to feel secure and safe so he acts out to really see if you will still love him, just stay strong.