NSW Family Court Orders Consistently Breached by Mother - What to Do?

[nibler1300]

Hi,

I will firstly apologize for the longer winded forum post!

In this situation, I am 'step-mum' and have been for 2 years. The child (we will call her Sarah for the purpose of this thread) has known me for years prior to the relationship between me and her father.

I am here asking what to do. Family court order was put in place the 5th of May 2015 and since then, the orders have been consistently breached, manipulated and dictated by his ex (for the purpose of this thread, we will call her Natasha).

To our knowledge, she has breached and/or manipulated family court orders (which aren't very specific!) with 13 different points on many different occasions. Things like, time with the father - was meant to be 8 weeks with mother & 2 weeks with father, however, it turned into month on:month off for a short amount of time.

We then went 6 months in 2016 without seeing Sarah due to Natasha being pregnant and giving birth to her other child. Privacy on the phone with Sarah is non-existent as Natasha doesn't allow Sarah to be on the phone without it being on loudspeaker. Anyway, you get the point.

Natasha lives in QLD, my partner and I live in NSW. As you can imagine, it doesn't make for easy pick up and drop offs. Natasha refuses to travel anywhere meaning my partner is forced to drive upwards of 16 hours in a day to pick up Sarah to then drop her off in the same location. We have asked for her to travel 2.5 hours to Brisbane but she refuses.

In November of 2016, Natasha and Sarah called my partner and told him that we were to have Sarah for the year of 2017 so Natasha could get her things into order. We believe that Sarah was having issues with toilet training (she has been toilet trained since 2 years of age) and was selectively soiling her pants in order to gain attention from her mother.

Her mother and her partner (whom she claims they aren't together, however he is the father of the new baby, Sarah has told us they share a bed, they live together etc) were having disagreements and her partner had been nasty to Sarah. We do not know to what extent this happened as she refuses to answer any questions regarding it.

Less than 24 hours after being told that we were having Sarah for 2017, she send us a message saying "I gave Sarah the choice and she says she wants to stay with me."

We gained legal advice at this stage and began another affidavit from the start of the court order date.

The solicitor gave us 3 options - wait to see what happens next, get her to right a formal letter requesting changes be made to the court order to make it more specific or start legal proceeding. We already have a letter from Family Dispute Resolution saying Natasha is unwilling to re-enter into mediation.

Over Christmas 2016, we had Sarah for 4 weeks where she got to come home with us and spend time with us and our friends at our home on the South Coast - usually time with Sarah is spent in QLD at my partner's parents house as travel is excessive and it would put less strain on Sarah. She loved it down here. She remembered when she was down here prior to the court orders and missed all of her pre-school friends etc. She was begging her mother to let her stay.

We tried to explain to Natasha that after you set the precedent with Sarah that she gets to make decisions on where she stays that this would happen eventually. Natasha refused to let her stay any longer. During the time we had Sarah, I had taught Sarah how to swim after several attempts as she was having mass anxiety regarding water.

We dropped her off after New Year's and at first everything seemed to be fine. Sarah was having regular contact with my partner and even myself (which didn't happen to often due to Natasha's views on me).

This was until Natasha requested money from us for her to buy Sarah a quad bike for her birthday. She was turning 5 years old and didn't even know how to ride a push bike yet (we bought her one for Christmas to teach her). We said that we don't feel as if it was an appropriate gift for a 5-year-old and suggested she learn how to ride a pushbike first.

Since that conversation, we have asked Natasha several questions about the proposed dates we sent her (on the 2nd day she had Sarah) where her answers have been out of the ordinary (eg. saying that she will have her for July school holidays - knowing very well that myself and my partner have a baby due on the 11th of July).

Expressing her want to have Sarah for school holidays knowing that we have her for 11 days each short holiday break. Now she has stopped responding. Sarah has started school today but we haven't had contact with her in over a week (extremely strange) Natasha's phone is ringing however no answer.

I tried to call Sarah on her birthday with no answer, no call back. Earlier in the day, when she had spoken with my partner, she was telling him how much she missed everyone here and that she wants him to go pick her up. She did this again with her Grandmother who spoke to her 20 minutes prior to my phone call.

We are beginning to think the worse may have happened and she doesn't want to tell us. Sarah has broken her collar bone before and we were never notified so it's not something that hasn't happened before.

Basically, we want help on what to do. With a baby on the way, we don't really want to go back to courts to have her get a slap on the wrist for $20,000 + in fees.

We can't contact Natasha, the school Sarah is attending isn't giving us any information because my partner isn't on her enrolment forms (even though the court order states that he should be). We have never not had contact with Sarah before and now we are completely lost to as what to do.

Please help!

 

[sammy01]

Learn to self-represent and make a contravention application...However, I reckon it is only worth doing for time missed with the child. Stuff like phone calls, while important to you, are kind of trivial.

Post / email the school a copy of the court orders and ask to be put on the enrolment forms and sent school reports. I'd wait a few months then ask about attendance... If the child's attendance is poor then all of a sudden you've got grounds to consider asking the court for a change of residency. But you would want more stuff like Doc's reports, etc and some of that might be forthcoming once the kid is in school and the teachers have concerns. But if that doesn't happen then really you've got nothing.

Mum sounds like a nutter - better option. Be super nice... Let her know that you're only too happy to look after Sarah and enrol her in school in NSW if mum needs a break. Might happen, never know...and once it does - get back on this site ASAP.

If you have real concerns call QLD police station nearest Natasha's house and ask them to do a welfare check... They will go knock on the door and make sure all are ok.

Final thing - don't engage in stupidity like giving Sarah the choice...5-year-old kids should never have to deal with that sort of thing. Bad parenting by mum doesn't invite bad parenting from you.

 

[nibler1300]

Hi sammy01, thank you for your response.

I understand that phone calls, etc are trivial matters but we have outlined major trivial incidents in the affidavit to show the consistent nature of every breach. Luckily, all serious contact between Natasha and my partner have been through text messages so we have plenty of evidence.

Affidavit is extremely long though - I fear that it may be too long. However, all the paragraphs in the affidavit are relevant. Does this matter when self-representing?

After the November incident (with the change in care for a year etc) we called DOCs and made a report however they said that they cannot disclose any information after that call, how do we go about getting copies of reports?

In regards to Sarah's welfare, when we picked her up in December I noticed her looking very slim. I weighed her and she weighed exactly 12kgs. When she left she had weighed 17.6kgs. If that's not a concern for welfare then I'm not too sure what is.

I firmly agree with you on not encouraging Sarah in making her own decisions. As you could imagine, being 'step-mum' to a child who believes she can make her own decisions is extremely difficult.

I sometimes feel as if I may be too strict on Sarah (setting her bedtime at 8pm, NSW during day light savings) because 'Mum let's me go to bed whenever I want'. So we have finally gotten to a place where Sarah knows that when she is at Dad's house she knows that she has rules.

I just don't want those rules, which are mostly regulated by me, to come back to us in court to bite us. For example (a completely hypothetical situation), Sarah might have been running in the bath through the water when I have walked in and told her not to. Then I walk away and she does it again.

Now it's time for the child to get a talking to. Then Sarah might go back to her Mum and say "Sammy yells at me", which then turns into a statement saying that I'm abusive towards the child. Which is completely barbaric but something I wouldn't put passed her (Natasha).

 

[nibler1300]

Another thing, previous to the court order being in place, my partner called the police in order to check on Sarah's welfare because he and Natasha had just separated, she wasn't allowing him to see Sarah etc...

The police turned up and checked it all out and said that Sarah was peacefully sleeping and basically told my partner that he wasted their time. This was then used in Natasha's affidavit to show that my partner has been "out to get her" and "get her into trouble over nothing" or something along those lines.

Can calling the police or even Child Welfare in this situation be twisted like that? Can she somehow turn it into an attack on her when it's literally just about Sarah's welfare and safety?

 

[sammy01]

So you wrote:

"I understand that phone calls, etc are trivial matters but we have outlined major trivial incidents"

Ok - you can't have major trivial matters... Do you see the contradiciton? That said - If you choose to go to court then put it all in there because you wanna make the case that mum is not supporting the child's relationship with dad...

So that leave 2 options like you wrote...

"The solicitor gave us 3 options - wait to see what happens next, get her to right a formal letter requesting changes be made to the court order to make it more specific or start legal proceeding."

I'd wait and see what happens in the next school holidays. The reality is seeing the child each holidays is probably the priority... true? And if you do go back to court having a substantial list of instances where the child has not been provided for access is going to help your case.

That said - you did say you went 6 months without seeing the child - but to be fair, that is probably only two visits - true?

And mum can say that you're not seeing the kid in July, but that is 5 months away and you can't take someone to court for something that might happen in the future.

So a letter from solicitor warning her to follow the orders might be worth spending a grand or so on....

So when did dad last speak to the child? If dad is meant to speak to the child once a week and you have not spoken to the child in 3 weeks, then a text message to mum asking if all is ok, would be sensible wouldn't it? If there is no response then asking the cops for a welfare check is reasonable. And no it ain't wasting the cops' time, and even if it was good - better that than a child being harmed - that is why the cops are there.

And nope it ain't gonna look bad in court if done sensibly and judiciously. It isn't something you ought to do every time she doesn't do phone contact - but if you have not heard from the child in 3-4 weeks and mum wont respond to text messages, then a welfare check might seem reasonable.

So help me out here - what do the court orders say about travel arrangments?

Ok so some of your other concerns - You called Natasha to speak to the child on her birthday...

I"m sorry but that is stupid... So mum's argument is gonna be - dad called, granny called, step mum called - She was being harassed by you lot. I know - I know. Easy argument to make especially when step-mum calls. Clearly this woman doesn't like you, want you involved in her kid's life, etc etc

Now your other concerns about parenting - if you're a sane person - but for the madness you've been swept into, then having an 8pm bedtime and even yelling at the child, if she was about to touch hot water (for example) is normal parenting...

What you need to do is try and remain logical even when confronted with crazy. Now as you asked about whether doing a welfare check can be twisted... Yes it can, but the guy at the front of the court house, with the funny wig, etc.. He tends to be pretty smart and it is his job to work out this stuff. I reckon he gets it right most of the time...

Sadly, it is a long and expensive process and I can't help you with that.

 

[nibler1300]

We went 6 months without seeing her when the court order stated 6 weeks mother: 2 weeks father (my mistake in the first post). Now that the child is in school the terms for time with parents has changed. If she was willing to breach the order then, what's to say she won't break it now or in the future?

Which leads me to this question...

Do we file a contravention order now and hope for tighter more specific court orders and perhaps Natasha will get a slap on the wrist. Doing this, will hopefully get her to pull her head in a little bit and follow court orders. If she then continues to breach the orders, the warning would have already been given so then a major change would occur?

Or

Do we wait until else happens to add to the breaches in the areas 'Parental Responsibilities', 'Medical', 'Education', 'Time with Parent', 'Travel Costs' and 'Communication'?

The only area of the orders that she hasn't breached is 'Exchange of Information' regarding an updated email address and phone number.

Dad last spoke to the child on her birthday. Which was over a week ago. I tried to call off Dad's phone after Sarah had asked Dad if I could call when I returned from work. Dad is meant to have contact with the child Mondays and Thursday at 7pm. But the child is at liberty to call or request a call whenever reasonable. Usually Natasha is quite reasonable with contact and we are with her.

If Sarah requests to contact her mother to tell her about her day, we allow this and so does Natasha.

Numerous text messages have been sent to ask if Sarah is okay. No response to any of them. No answer to phone calls either. Only reason we are unsure is because as mentioned previously, Sarah has had broken bones that we have not been notified of.

I'm beginning to think that Natasha did end up buying her a motorbike of some kind and something has happened. At least this time, we have a trail of phone calls and texts to show that the welfare call was necessary if the time comes to make the call...

Travel arrangements in the court order are one of those extremely grey areas. Relevant court order from today as she started school says:

"Time with parents:

12. That the child shall spend time/live with her father for school holiday periods as follows:

a. Being the first 11 consecutive days of the Autumn, Winter, Spring Queensland school holidays in even numbered years.

b. The last 11 consecutive days of the Autumn, Winter, Spring school holidays in odd numbered years

c. For the Summer holidays the child is to spend the first half of the holidays with the father in even numbered years and the last half with the holidays in odd numbered years.

Travel Costs:

15. That the father pay all reasonable travel costs associated with travel for 'Sarah' to spend time with each parent as contained in these orders. "

What the orders don't adhere to is location. Considering we live 2.5 hours from Sydney and she lives 2.5 hours from Brisbane, one would think that capital city airports seem to be the most reasonable place. We have always asked if we can pick up Sarah from Brisbane so that my partner is able to fly up to Brisbane and back. "No, I will not be assisting with travel ever" is always the response.

She has asked to have Sarah for January 2018 so she can go on a holiday with Sarah - we are happy to accommodate a swap as we don't have any plans for Summer school holidays for next year. We can work around that.

Each year we give her proposed dates for Sarah to spend time with us. They were always half yearly until this year because the dates are pretty clear set in the orders. But she has never agreed to dates and never proposed her own dates. Even this lot of dates considering she has requested a change. She got the change and we sent her new proposed dates and no response.

Basically what we want is for her to follow the orders, to give relevant information when asked and to stop playing games. The main question is, is a letter from a solicitor going to scare her into doing what is needed or does a contravention order need to take place in order for things to change?

 

[nibler1300]

UPDATE:

School has gotten back to us after looking at the birth certificate on Sarah's enrolment to acknowledge my partner as the father. She did attend school today so she is physically okay... What a relief!

My partner has been added to her enrolment as the father and emergency contact and will receive all correspondence regarding Sarah's schooling and attendance.

So it seems as if Mum is just playing silly buggers and being ignorant.. Joy.

 

[sammy01]

Yup - and no law can prevent that...

Just outta interest, where are you? You mentioned South Coast. I'm in Batemans Bay.

Look you've had a win. Getting schooling stuff will potentially give you some evidence if the kid ain't attending school.

 

[nibler1300]

We are in Jervis Bay. Not too far away at all!

After speaking with the teaching principal (it's only a very small school she is attending). We are confident that we will be notified if attendance is low or something seems off...

 

[nibler1300]

UPDATE:

Natasha's Mum, who lives in Bundaberg (6 hours away from Natasha), just tried to call my partner and left a message for him to contact her. Natasha's Mum is not with Natasha or Sarah.

My partner is currently working so he is unable to call but can text. What the hell is going on?!?

Will keep you updated as I am informed.