QLD Family Court Orders - Communication with Child Restricted?

[WilmaFiinstone]

I have a court order in place that states "failing agreement the child shall speak to the mother on Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Friday at 7 am".

The child is my 10-year-old daughter who lives with me in QLD. When she visits with her father in NSW for school holidays she can call me.

She is due to fly to him on Saturday for 3 weeks. She is crying saying she wants to speak to me more often but is afraid and scared to ask him. Her words.

He takes the family court orders to the extreme and I understand he does not need to agree to anything contrary. When I have asked before during the April holidays to allow her to call, he said outright no. I feel he does this to spite me but it is her that is getting upset and is asking to do this.

What can I say to appeal to him because she is very unhappy and this is her need being expressed?

 

[KKaren]

Buy her a phone so she can call you whenever.

 

[WilmaFiinstone]

She does have one and he takes it away from her when she arrives and only gives it to her at 7am on those days

 

[KKaren]

Sorry I have no other suggestions.

 

[Been2Trial]

As a father who is also dealing with an ex who runs a similar "Haha... by agreement? I'll never agree to a single thing more than is set out in the court orders!" attitude, I can totally understand your frustration in trying to reason with the unreasonable when dealing with someone who won't make any effort to improve communications, has no desire to cooperate at all and would rather the kids miss out on a more positive arrangement than work with you like a normal person.

But without knowing a whole lot about the background of things in your situation, I want to run something by you as a suggestion and maybe something to consider...

Father has a bare minimum time in your custody arrangement. Doesn't get much worse than half of the school holidays and nothing more.

Not sure how that came to be, but assuming he wanted more than this bare minimum, possibly having to have fought for even this - He's probably not feeling like he got a fair outcome.

My question for you though is - have you always been fair, willing to communicate freely about any extra arrangements for the child to spend more time with him or offered or agreed to anything beyond what he is given by court orders?

I might be way off the mark and you might be the most cooperative and accommodating ex-partner in the world - but if you have previously restricted his access to his child, been impossible to negotiate with and generally shown no consideration to him when the child is with you the rest of the time, you could understand why he might be applying the same back on you.

Again, I don't mean to imply that this is actually the situation and you may well be the epitome of someone who wants to work together for reasonable, happy arrangements outside of the court orders - but I thought it worth maybe running by you, because the minimal time the father has with the child doesn't sound like something someone would voluntarily accept.

 

[WilmaFiinstone]

Sorry I have no other suggestions.

Thank you for taking the time to reply

 

[WilmaFiinstone]

As a father who is also dealing with an ex who runs a similar "Haha... by agreement? I'll never agree to a single thing more than is set out in the court orders!" attitude, I can totally understand your frustration in trying to reason with the unreasonable when dealing with someone who won't make any effort to improve communications, has no desire to cooperate at all and would rather the kids miss out on a more positive arrangement than work with you like a normal person.

But without knowing a whole lot about the background of things in your situation, I want to run something by you as a suggestion and maybe something to consider...

Father has a bare minimum time in your custody arrangement. Doesn't get much worse than half of the school holidays and nothing more.

Not sure how that came to be, but assuming he wanted more than this bare minimum, possibly having to have fought for even this - He's probably not feeling like he got a fair outcome.

My question for you though is - have you always been fair, willing to communicate freely about any extra arrangements for the child to spend more time with him or offered or agreed to anything beyond what he is given by court orders?

I might be way off the mark and you might be the most cooperative and accommodating ex-partner in the world - but if you have previously restricted his access to his child, been impossible to negotiate with and generally shown no consideration to him when the child is with you the rest of the time, you could understand why he might be applying the same back on you.

Again, I don't mean to imply that this is actually the situation and you may well be the epitome of someone who wants to work together for reasonable, happy arrangements outside of the court orders - but I thought it worth maybe running by you, because the minimal time the father has with the child doesn't sound like something someone would voluntarily accept.

As a father who is also dealing with an ex who runs a similar "Haha... by agreement? I'll never agree to a single thing more than is set out in the court orders!" attitude, I can totally understand your frustration in trying to reason with the unreasonable when dealing with someone who won't make any effort to improve communications, has no desire to cooperate at all and would rather the kids miss out on a more positive arrangement than work with you like a normal person.

But without knowing a whole lot about the background of things in your situation, I want to run something by you as a suggestion and maybe something to consider...

Father has a bare minimum time in your custody arrangement. Doesn't get much worse than half of the school holidays and nothing more.

Not sure how that came to be, but assuming he wanted more than this bare minimum, possibly having to have fought for even this - He's probably not feeling like he got a fair outcome.

My question for you though is - have you always been fair, willing to communicate freely about any extra arrangements for the child to spend more time with him or offered or agreed to anything beyond what he is given by court orders?

I might be way off the mark and you might be the most cooperative and accommodating ex-partner in the world - but if you have previously restricted his access to his child, been impossible to negotiate with and generally shown no consideration to him when the child is with you the rest of the time, you could understand why he might be applying the same back on you.

Again, I don't mean to imply that this is actually the situation and you may well be the epitome of someone who wants to work together for reasonable, happy arrangements outside of the court orders - but I thought it worth maybe running by you, because the minimal time the father has with the child doesn't sound like something someone would voluntarily accept.

Thank you for your thoughts, it is really good to get a dads perspective as it does seem all too often that dads get the short end of the stick.

I literally begged for better communications I begged not to get court orders so that we could be flexible but consistent. Didn't happen. Yes I am sure he feels he lost out and wants to avoid her being distracted by me during his time with her. It was his lawyer that wrote the restricted communication. We live in 2 different states making it all the more difficult. I give him and her all the freedom to speak to each other whenever they want. He is her dad and I want her to grow up having a healthy relationship with her him. Even with my invitation he still sticks to 7am to the minute not a minute before or after. Her birthday fell on a sunday and he didn't call so I had her call him demonstrating that its ok to call especially for her birthday. But because it wasn't a mon tues wed or fri he did not call. Far too extreme to this day she thinks he didn't car because he didn't call her first. he doesnt take me up on the offer and I just don't know why possibly because he doesnt want to do the same for me.

The concern is that she wants to be able to call to say good night or hi. I don't want to interrupt their day I would not call her and respect that. its more for her to call me. It is 3 weeks and she only gets to say hello 4 times in a week for 5 minutes. When I have raised before he has said she can talk to him and it must not come through me. She is only 10 and because she doesn't see him often she doesn't have the confidence to speak up. He takes her phone away when she arrives and gives it to her on those mornings only.

 

[sammy01]

Ok - so this is gonna be blunt.
The kid will talk to you 4 out of 7 days.
The child might need to learn to suck it up.
The orders are not unreasonable.

 

[sammy01]

oops I hit reply by accident then went and made a coffee.
So to explain - well what are you gonna do?
Refuse to send her? Nope that is a very bad idea.
BTW I reckon dad is being a clown. But no court order is gonna chance that. A little bit of common sense - but that can often be hard to find in family law.

But the kid is 10. If the kid cries and says they don't want to go to school / dentist / doctor or what ever... What do we do as parents. We explain. But we dont' let the kids make the rules.

You can't change dad, and look at 10 years old the child should learn to accept that not talking to mum everyday is part of growing up. My 10 yr old went on a school camp for 3 nights with no contact with parents. So really, I think the child is going to have to suck it up, and as parents we also have to understand that we cant fix all of the problems that come into our kids lives.

 

[Lennon]

We have a similar care arrangement, with my kids spending half school holidays with me.

Talking in the phone 4 times a week is a lot. We do once a week for an hour, plus a short chat for special events.

When the kids are with me for school holidays I am loathe to agree to additional calls. Taking to their mother does not make them happy. She tells them how much she misses them, how lonely she is, how much their friends miss them, how much their dogs miss them... you get the picture. They love spending time with me and their mum loves to remind them what they are missing when they’re here.

I have very limited time with them. I don’t want their mother imposing on that limited time and making the kids feel sad about being here.