QLD Ex in new relationship. DV in front of our son.

[Mec]

My ex re-partnered a month after we broke up and started living with her immediately. He/they wanted shared custody of our young son immediately but I was concerned that it was too early for our child to be a part of a new family unit/dynamic. I was also concerned that the relationship wouldn't last or would become toxic (knowing his temper) and that our son would be subjected to arguing and violence (once again).

I've agreed to a 3-month trial of 50/50 shared custody 5 months into their relationship (in a form of verbal agreement and unsigned parenting plan with his previous solicitor) and now my son is telling me that my ex and his new gf had a full-blown argument/fight (in his bedroom, in front of him) this week that resulted in broken furniture. The new g/f then left her own home to stay with her mother and she hasn't come back by Friday morning.

I want my son to have a father but not to witness any of DV from his new relationship. The trial period is coming to an end and my ex's new solicitor is now requesting consent orders (final agreement) in regards to child custody. I won't let my child live in DV circumstances. What are my options?

 

[Atticus]

First of all... It's always a bit risky going on relayed stories, especially from kids.. Do you have any other genuine honest reasons for thinking dad & GF are exposing child to FV? .... Is there any history of it when you were together ?....... If so you could request further mediation & lay all the cards on the table

 

[Mec]

First of all... It's always a bit risky going on relayed stories, especially from kids.. Do you have any other genuine honest reasons for thinking dad & GF are exposing child to FV? .... Is there any history of it when you were together ?....... If so you could request further mediation & lay all the cards on the table

I have seen the broken furniture over facetime. This is how the conversation started. He didn't want to tell me anything over facetime but told me (by slipping) when I've asked him more questions in person. Son (8) refused to talk about and said something about having to lie. I believe my son because I know what my ex is capable of. I have no doubt the story is real but I do want to have more supportive evidence before I raise the concern with my ex.

Perhaps I can give him a way to contact me in the event of another incident. Or get him to film it or record it? Would that even be legal? I don't know if he would be willing to do it, I also don't want to use my son against my ex, I am just concerned about the environment he is living in.

 

[sammy01]

Get an 8 year old to film? Are you mad?

 

[Poidah]

my ex's new solicitor is now requesting consent orders (final agreement) in regards to child custody

What does your solicitor advise?
Escalating and painting him as a DV is unlikely to improve the situation and likely lead to a knuckling down and an escalation of hostilities (especially at the 8 year old). The poor kid is already forced to hide and deal with the issues between the two of you, rather than focus on growing up, making friends, learning fun stuff.

Get an 8 year old to film? Are you mad?

Imagine the end outcome of a successful DV allegation/push/attack -
Is it full custody? Full maintenance with regular, hassle free payments? How about incidentals on top with emergencies? Pick one. Are you able or likely able to get along with little or no financial support from him?
Or do you want or need a supportive co-parent who can help when you need it from him in emergencies, or do you have enough supports from your family and social network or finances to throw everything at him for the next couple of years? Hate to break it to ya, all those things probably matter naught to your son, the poor 8 year old bub struggling to have a happy childhood while his parents focus on each other rather than him.

 

[Atticus]

Or get him to film it or record it? Would that even be legal? I don't know if he would be willing to do it, I also don't want to use my son against my ex, I am just concerned about the environment he is living in.

Bit of a worry that you would even think this may be appropriate.... By instructing your son to 'film' an incident you are then not only exposing him to the FV that you claim is so damaging, but are complicit in that exposure... So obviously a terrible idea

I have seen the broken furniture over facetime. This is how the conversation started. He didn't want to tell me anything over facetime

Rather than seeing something possibly suspicious in the background & questioning the child, what you need to do is not talk to the child about these things but raise them at mediation... that is the appropriate place & forum to do it.... Quite within your rights & responsibilities as a parent to question if you have genuine concerns, but has to be done right..

 

[Mec]

What does your solicitor advise?

I don't have a solicitor. If I did, I wouldn't be asking questions here. I was trying to resolve our differences with civil conversation or mediation but he just wants to do everything via a solicitor.

the poor 8 year old bub struggling to have a happy childhood while his parents focus on each other rather than him.

I think you have completely missed the point. My child's wellbeing and happiness is at question here. I am focusing on him and what is in the best interest of the child, not on my ex.

 

[Mec]

what you need to do is not talk to the child about these things but raise them at mediation... that is the appropriate place & forum to do it.... Quite within your rights & responsibilities as a parent to question if you have genuine concerns, but has to be done right..

That household has 5 pets and the reason I've asked about it was solely a conversation starter. I never expected the answer to be anything other than 'an accident'.

I have no interest in building a case against my ex, I just want my child to live in a happy home. But I guess there is no such scenario in this case, based on these replies.

 

[sammy01]

5pets? Big deal... be a grown up. Talk to dad. If he refuses to engage then walk away. Tell the kids he can always talk to mum. Isn't that what we do with stranger danger etc... Don't try to provoke a response from the kids. Remember kiddies lie and will sometimes tell u what u want to hear.

Your first post wreaks of vindictive ex syndrome. Read it again. Go on. Check the stuff in brackets... calm down. We're all guilty of that sorta stuff. Just make sure u are think with your brain NOT with a clouded judgement. Bloody hard to do especially given how quickly he moved on. Good on ya for agreeing to shared care.
Btw it sounds like she has moved out. Sweet problem solved. He doesn't have a partner to argue with anymore

 

[Poidah]

my ex and his new gf had a full-blown argument/fight (in his bedroom, in front of him)

You made the jump from argument and broken furniture, to DV and implying that he has a past history, [QUOTE"]"arguing and violence (once again)"[/QUOTE]. So when we tried to explore what DV means, you have done a backflip and painted us as unsupportive, and that you stumbled across an "accident" and it blew up from there.

So I agree with sammy01. Pays to take some time, join tons of support groups, services, anything so you feel you have more support etc. There is also ParentLine too. Hopefully, over time you have a better sense of what you want, and a better idea of what is achievable given everything that is going on. Just about everyone that you turn to has a divorce story, co-parenting strategy. So as long as son is doing well, and there is no life or death issues, the big stuff you can sort out at mediation...