NSW Custody of Children Dispute with Ex - What to Do?

[Sonny]

Hello everyone,

Sorry new here, I'm going through really tough time with custody of children, as the mother has been bullying all the way along. I have 3 girls ages 9,7,3. After my separation, I was seeing my girls every 2nd Sunday from 10am to 4:30pm. This was all the mother's choice. We have no parenting plan. I knew if I will argue, she will seek an AVO on me.

In mean time, I attended the family relationship office for mediation. She never responded to them, they issued me certificate. After a few weeks, I received a mail that she wants mediation through legal aid. I agreed & took my solicitor with me to attend. We made a parenting plan but she still didn't agree with me keeping kids overnight every 2nd weekend. She agreed that I can see the kids Sat & Sun during the day. She will also arrange for the kids to talk to me on the phone 2 days per week.

That only lasted 2 weeks. I haven't seen my girls for 6 months. I went to family court this week for the first time. Nothing happened there as she didn't submit any affidavit or any papers to court. Her excuse is that she only hired a lawyer 2 days ago. So now the judge is sending us to attend a children dispute conference. I just want to know what they will ask & how to answer their questions.

I was really careful with the process and not to say anything wrong to her, but still in May she filed an AVO against me and that she's scared of me & stuff. The judge in the local court put one clause that I don't go into the dwelling where she resides. Now when she realised that I'm going to family court, she filed another application to court, asking them to put another clause that I don't get within 500 meters. But I didn't even breached my previous orders at all.

I spoke to the police. They said it's her private application & I said I haven't breached any orders. You know the police & law, they always defend the lady. I'm so sick in the stomach to know how this law works. I'm fighting for kids because they love me & I adore them. We had the best of times, when I was seeing them.

My girls were really close to me, even my ex knows this. Now she is stuffing things into their brains that their dad left and that I don't care about them, even though, I was kicked out.

Sorry guys, a bit emotional but no one here listens to fathers & they don't know what we go through inside without telling anyone.

 

[Sonny]

Hello everyone

I'm going to a children dispute conference. Just need some help.

What happens there and how do I approach these consultants. I have 3 kods. Haven't seen them for 6 months. Please help me. Any idea on how to answer their questions?

 

[Lance]

Hi,

You haven't given a lot to go on. If you have 3 kids and haven't seen them for 6 months, has the court prevented you seeing them? The child dispute conference is a family consultant trying to determine what is in the best interest of your children (No lawyers and no kids). They will likely interview you separately (you are allowed to have someone with you, usually a friend or family member).

You need to be honest, but be aware they are trying to ascertain any risk factors. If you haven't seen your kids because of a violence order, this will likely be the focus of the discussions. If you have been falsely accused of anything be prepared to talk to that and keep calm.

Don't give the consultant any reason to think you are a possible threat or risk to your kids. Its very easy to get upset especially if untruths are being spoken and you don't feel you can defend yourself but remain calm. I hope I have given you some insight to what you can expect.

The fact sheet below will give some further guidance on what to expect. http://www.federalcircuitcourt.gov....-51950211-f4de-4138-856b-e8e954df0376-lhWxKCz

 

[Lance]

Hi Sonny,

I just gave you some information on another question. I said you didn't give me much but I now see what's going on. There are a lot of blokes out there that do get violent and they have basically caused all fathers to be tarred with the same brush. I hope the information I gave you in your other post helps with your question about the child dispute conference.

The other thing I can say is there are a lot of Dads going through exactly what you are. You could get in touch with Dads in Distress and Men's Rights Agency. They have a lot of people going through the same stuff. Please keep it together. Your girls need their Dad, so do your best to remain calm and don't give your ex the benefit of you loosing control of your emotions and saying the wrong thing to the child dispute consultant.

Good luck and please let me know how you go.

 

[sammy01]

Go to court. Have a read - especially the bit about 'court data'
Family Matters - Issue 88 - Shared care time | Australian Institute of Family Studies

Keep us posted on this site and you will save some money getting answers for free rather than expensive solicitors.

Mate, it is gonna take time - be patient.

Don't worry about the AVO - in some respects it is a good thing. Why?

1 - It keeps her away from you. When I was in your situation the ex started calling and texting me - leaving nasty / threatening messages. The cops spoke to her about the fact that she can't complain being scared of me on the one hand and yet be bullying me on the other.

2 - So the magistrates see this stuff all the time. Without a history of hospitalisations / police interventions, etc, etc the magistrate will likely see it for what it is, and they like the law / you know justice and stuff, so they often have distain for folks who abuse the system to keep kids away from their other parent.

So don't breach the AVO.

Mate my ex sent me a bit crazy with the constant accusations of breaching the AVO. She complained to the cops. The cops called me and explained they have to investigate blah blah. So I tell the cops that I couldn't possibly have been driving up and down her street because I was 5 hours away and I could prove it.

I reached the point where I was withdrawing money once or twice a day just so I had a receipt to use to show that I was somewhere else if she complained. Madness - but eventually no one took her seriously

So at the child inclusive conference, talk up how you believe you will be able to effectively co parent once parenting orders are in place. Talk up how you think you and the ex have complimentary parenting styles. If asked, say yep there is an AVO, but you accepted without admission. So no doubt there was some tension at the end of the marriage but you're hopeful that that once the dust settles and some of the emotion dissipates you'll be able to work with the mother in the best interests of the kids.

Talk up the relationship you have with the kids. Do you have extended family and how involved are they with the kids? Say nothing bad about her. Nothing. So you understand how stressful this has been on her and you understand that is part of the reasons she has done some things like not letting you see the kids but you're confident that once there is an agreement / consent orders / court orders about the time you spend with the kids, then all the stress and dispute will be resolved.....

So she had / has legal aid? Good. They are far more likely to tell her that she is being a goose. So some more good news? Only about 3 % of cases get decided by a magistrate. In most cases, parents sort it themselves. Sadly, sometimes, it takes the threat of a magistrate making the decision to motivate a stubborn parent to pull their head in.

Buy a bike - Seriously... So up till now the help has been about the legal stuff. Now let's talk about your mental health. You're stressed out true? Can't sleep? Crazy thoughts running through your head over and over? Buy a bike.

So I had way to much time on my hands - living alone and not seeing the kids - I was a wreck. I started bike riding (look do whaever sport you like but cycling is good because you can do it for hours....). So I could go out and eventually I reached a point where I could ride for 3-4 hours on a Saturday... I got fit - looked good, made her jealous - cycling helped pass the time on those lonely weekends.

I would also be exhausted so I'd sleep better - and that helped with the mental health. Mate getting up 3-4 times a night worrying really drains you and slowly while out riding I'd make myself do maths. How far, how long, how fast I'd been riding, etc. So for a while, I wasn't thinking and worrying about all this family law crap.

Now my ex was filling the kids up with lies. Guess what - kids are smart and when you tell them something negative about their dad, the person that gets most hurt is the liar. Kids don't want to hear bad stuff about their dad. You're gonna be a good dad and when you're seeing the kids be positive about their mum. Be a good role model and they will see the truth.

My kids kind of turned on their mum because they saw her lies and they saw her yelling at me and they saw me being calm and decent.

Ok rant over.

 

[Sonny]

Thanks, guys, yes I'm a wreck and constantly worry. I'm willing to compromise anytime. On other hand, her answer is no, not at all. No compromises. Yes I did join the gym. I like running. It helps.

I'm going to a children dispute conference on Tuesday. I will let you know, how I go there.

Thanks mate.

 

[Sonny]

Hi,
You haven't given a lot to go on. If you have 3 kids and haven't seen them for 6 months, has the court prevented you seeing them? The child dispute conference is a family consultant trying to determine what is in the best interest of your children (No lawyers and no kids). They will likely interview you separately (you are allowed to have someone with you, usually a friend or family member). You need to be honest, but be aware they are trying to ascertain any risk factors. If you haven't seen your kids because of a violence order, this will likely be the focus of the discussions. If you have been falsely accused of anything be prepared to talk to that and keep calm. Don't give the consultant any reason to think you are a possible threat or risk to your kids. Its very easy to get upset especially if untruths are being spoken and you don't feel you can defend yourself but remain calm. I hope I have given you some insight to what you can expect. The fact sheet below will give some further guidance on what to expect. http://www.federalcircuitcourt.gov....-51950211-f4de-4138-856b-e8e954df0376-lhWxKCz

Thanks for responding. No court had nothing to do with it yet. It's my ex she made that decision. One Sunday evening 22nd May, I was with kids, as usual. I picked them up from mackers. Fed them breakfast, came home, then went to park with my friend & his 2 kids. One of his daughter plays AFL. So I took kids there. I couldn't believe how much fun they had there, bought them new AFL balls to take home. They loved kicking that ball. We had lunch there all together. Than around 3:30pm we left. Then I still had 1hour before I hand over kids to the mum at McDonald's. So I asked them, what they like to do?

My little one wanted to go to park, which is not far from whr I have to drop kids, it's new park, swings, slides etc. so we went there, I even took there photos there with me, having fun.

When I go with kids, I always, took water, I know they run around, get thirsty. That park even have drinking water. So in the end, when I took kids, they didn't want to go back to there mum. They wanted to play more & stay with me. So anyway, we got to Macdonalds, she wasn't there. Kids wanted to have some ice cream. We went in bought the waffles. While she came, I helped to get into her car. Then I left.

2days later at 1am, the police was at my door. I opened the door. They asked if I was with my kids on werkend & I said yes. They asked if I had slapped my 7year old girl on the chest. I said no, why I will do that. Than the cop explained me that my ex brought my 7year old daughter to police on Monday night, saying I hit my daughter. When cop spoken to my daughter, first she said, I slapped her on her chest, than she said dad hit me with brick, than few mins later, she said I fell down on branch. So cop new that nothing matched. That was the excuse, she used for me not to see my kids. I haven't seen them since. Even nothing happened, no charge on me.

Now that's why I submitted application in family court.

She is very knowledge able in this, how to lie to police, & complain every thing, even I'm not talking to her, no message with her.

 

[Sonny]

Hello lance & sammy

Just want to let you guys know how I went with the children dispute conference. It went well I think, I was calm, the consultant was ok. She didn't turn up, she called & said one of the kids was sick.