NSW A question from a step-parent

[worriedstepmum]

My husband and I reside in NSW near the Queensland border.

My husbands ex partner lives with their daughter (9) and her current partner and their son(15) Their relationship has been a long term relationship that has been separated and reconciled a number of times. Of which one of those times of separation, she partnered with my husband and had their daughter, lived together for 3 years and then separated, going on to reconcile with the former (and now the current) partner. They reside 40Km north of us in QLD.

The Ex has recently separated and re- partnered again with her partner.

Since the time of the most recent separation we have noticed significant anxiety in my husband's daughter, she had trouble sleeping in her own bed at night, crying for her Mummy and becoming very distressed.

Since the Mum's reconciliation with her partner, my stepdaughter has settled a bit with the sleeping in her own bed, but has become almost obsessed with her mother, she says constantly that she misses her mother. My husband tried to take her on an outing this weekend (just Dad and daughter) that they agreed to do together this weekend and it happened to be on the Gold Coast. As soon as they reached the outing my stepdaughter became so distressed about being close by to her mother that she became inconsolable, my husband allowed her to call her mother hoping it would help to calm her down. This didn't help, she was begging to go home to Mum and said she no longer wanted to visit with her Dad. (She has also said this on a couple of occasions since the reconciliation of her Mum and stepdad.) The next day we did a family outing of our own, heading south (further away from Mum) and she also became distressed because she was "going further away from Mummy".

On the way back to our home on the daddy daughter outing, she told my husband a "secret" that she had been alluding to over the weekend. She told him (and then myself later) that her Mum and stepfather had had a big fight and she was told to go to her room by her Mother, but she didn't. She says that she then witnessed her step dad push Mum against a wall and attempt to strangle her with his hand.

The reason it was meant to be a secret from her Dad and I was that her Mum told her if she told us that her Dad would go for custody.

I had a conversation about her getting upset about missing her mother last night, she says that she also gets very upset at school and the teacher has to take her out of the classroom to calm her down.

My husband is very distressed by all of this, but he has trouble talking with his ex as she is quite demanding and pushy, doesn't respect his point of view or allow his opinion in decisions regarding his daughter. In the past when he and I have raised concerns about another unrelated issue, she has told us to F**k off and to stop hassling her about the issue or she would remove access to the child, saying he would have to take her to court to see his daughter again. I have attempted to talk with her once at drop off and I was told I was not welcome to an input.

We are both concerned for the well being of his daughter and also of her mother with regards to the violent nature of the relationship that she is in.

What avenues are available to my husband? We don't want to take custody as we believes the child needs to live with her mother, but we do not want either of them to be at risk of harm, be it physical or emotional.

 

[AllForHer]

It sounds like perhaps the child is experiencing some need to be near her mother in order to perhaps protect her, but the challenge here is to have your concerns taken seriously by the ex.

I don't think a child showing the separation anxieties that you've described here would benefit from a) being separated from her mother for extended periods of time or b) being embroiled in litigation. It sounds like the child might be prone to stressors, so better to look for outcomes that maybe address this first rather than look for legal outcomes.

My suggestion first is to organise mediation with the mother, perhaps even a child-inclusive conference so the child can have her concerns heard by an objective third party and then shared with her parents. It may be worthwhile talking to the mother about possibly recruiting the assistance of a child psychologist for the child's benefit, too.

I don't think legal recourse is your best option yet.

 

[worriedstepmum]

It sounds like perhaps the child is experiencing some need to be near her mother in order to perhaps protect her, but the challenge here is to have your concerns taken seriously by the ex.

I don't think a child showing the separation anxieties that you've described here would benefit from a) being separated from her mother for extended periods of time or b) being embroiled in litigation. It sounds like the child might be prone to stressors, so better to look for outcomes that maybe address this first rather than look for legal outcomes.

My suggestion first is to organise mediation with the mother, perhaps even a child-inclusive conference so the child can have her concerns heard by an objective third party and then shared with her parents. It may be worthwhile talking to the mother about possibly recruiting the assistance of a child psychologist for the child's benefit, too.

I don't think legal recourse is your best option yet.

Thank you that sounds like a good place to start.