Hi All- I may be looking for people with experience rather than a legal remedy (as I doubt there is one to this issue).
My husbands eldest daughter has been staying with us 3 weekends a month + half holidays for the last two years (previously 3-4 nights/fortnight). The change to care time was introduced by her mother moving away from us. She has come up against rules she does like (say, no phone at 1am...) but mostly we get along well.
After she left here on Sunday afternoon, my husband received a text saying "I don't want to come to your house anymore. Please do not contact me. I don't want to discuss it. I want to get a job and spend more time with my friends". We have also since found notes for her sisters (10 and 12), basically saying "I love you, have a nice life, take what you want out of my room".
We get that as a older teen those things are important, and expected we would need to review the care arrangements to accommodate them when the time came (note: she doesn't have a job, she just turned 14, I doubt she's applied for any). Unfortunately there has been no attempt to communicate on this prior to the text message. She has now blocked her phone. Attempts to engage her mother have resulted in no more than "She doesn't want to go, It's her choice!"
We can't know for certain, but it seems likely that this has been discussed and planned with her mother. Ditching people who don't agree with you 100% is her mother's MO. Mother is also estranged from her own father, and has already run my SDs other sister's father out of her life. Basically she's not big on dad being an important part of a kid's life. It would seem likely that she has seized upon SDs disgruntlement about being away from friends and manipulated it to break off all contact. Certainly she's not interested in encouraging SD to find an alternative way to keep in touch with my husband and her sisters (we already tried that). Mum claims that if she doesn't let SD make her own choice it "can have a life long impact on her mental health". But apparently estrangement from her father and sisters wont(?).
FDR seems like a blunt instrument- better suited for trying to negotiate an agreement, and even better if both participants are actually trying. It feels like most people are of the opinion that a 14 year old can choose to do whatever they want anyway, even if it is the nuclear option to deal with a relatively easy to solve problem. No consideration that teenage brains actually open make terrible decisions, for trivial reasons.
We have also considered family counselling, however without mums by-in, we doubt we could get SD to even attend. FDR seems like it's slightly more compulsory, and she's have to tell a 3rd party why SD is better off with no contact with a loving family with a straight face. Child inclusive mediation would feel like a good way to sort something out, but again worried they will just dismiss this option due to her age.
Just to be clear, this isn't about forcing her back into the old care schedule, it's about opening up the dialogue so that SD can continue a relationship with her father and sisters (+ extended family) in a form that works, ideally before any more damage is done. Any ideas?
My husbands eldest daughter has been staying with us 3 weekends a month + half holidays for the last two years (previously 3-4 nights/fortnight). The change to care time was introduced by her mother moving away from us. She has come up against rules she does like (say, no phone at 1am...) but mostly we get along well.
After she left here on Sunday afternoon, my husband received a text saying "I don't want to come to your house anymore. Please do not contact me. I don't want to discuss it. I want to get a job and spend more time with my friends". We have also since found notes for her sisters (10 and 12), basically saying "I love you, have a nice life, take what you want out of my room".
We get that as a older teen those things are important, and expected we would need to review the care arrangements to accommodate them when the time came (note: she doesn't have a job, she just turned 14, I doubt she's applied for any). Unfortunately there has been no attempt to communicate on this prior to the text message. She has now blocked her phone. Attempts to engage her mother have resulted in no more than "She doesn't want to go, It's her choice!"
We can't know for certain, but it seems likely that this has been discussed and planned with her mother. Ditching people who don't agree with you 100% is her mother's MO. Mother is also estranged from her own father, and has already run my SDs other sister's father out of her life. Basically she's not big on dad being an important part of a kid's life. It would seem likely that she has seized upon SDs disgruntlement about being away from friends and manipulated it to break off all contact. Certainly she's not interested in encouraging SD to find an alternative way to keep in touch with my husband and her sisters (we already tried that). Mum claims that if she doesn't let SD make her own choice it "can have a life long impact on her mental health". But apparently estrangement from her father and sisters wont(?).
FDR seems like a blunt instrument- better suited for trying to negotiate an agreement, and even better if both participants are actually trying. It feels like most people are of the opinion that a 14 year old can choose to do whatever they want anyway, even if it is the nuclear option to deal with a relatively easy to solve problem. No consideration that teenage brains actually open make terrible decisions, for trivial reasons.
We have also considered family counselling, however without mums by-in, we doubt we could get SD to even attend. FDR seems like it's slightly more compulsory, and she's have to tell a 3rd party why SD is better off with no contact with a loving family with a straight face. Child inclusive mediation would feel like a good way to sort something out, but again worried they will just dismiss this option due to her age.
Just to be clear, this isn't about forcing her back into the old care schedule, it's about opening up the dialogue so that SD can continue a relationship with her father and sisters (+ extended family) in a form that works, ideally before any more damage is done. Any ideas?
